Survior Episode 1 Recap

Survivor is back, y'all, and it seems that the formula that's worked for the past 20 seasons is still going strong. The CBS casting department is getting the job done and Probst is even having fun after all of these years. The first big introduction we get as an audience is also a big one for the castaways. Former cast members, both of which had a season of their own and joined in on the fun of some kind of all-stars season, are playing the game once again. Coach, best known for his erratic behavior and tall tales, is back, as well as Ozzy, best known for killing physical competitions and sucking at social game.

Right off the back Christine is having none of it. Her NY accent is thick and her attitude is thicker. This could spell either trouble for the vets (as it should--did none of these people watch what happened when the newbies let Boston Rob go all the way to the end last season?!) or trouble for the tempermental flower lady. Other standouts include Cochran, or so he wants to be called by Probst because "all of his favorites are called by their last names." Buddy, that's not the kind of thing you can request. Giving yourself a nickname is the white person equivalent of being the first person to yell out "awwwww" after a particularly harsh diss in a rap battle. But I think that the best sentence to come out of the first segment is Stacey (the mother and mortician) proclaiming that she's a threat to her competitors because "if you think I'm sleep, I'm not sleep." I don't know if it's just her braces or if that's how she thinks the words work, but I hope she keeps it up.

The returning Survivors choose their teams by selecting paint-filled eggs that will tell them which side they'll spend the first half of the season on. Can't they just choose a buff out of a hat? Is it really worth some production assistant's time to fill up that egg? The first competition of the season kicks off in order to determine who will earn their team luxury items. When the loser still gets a snorkel and goggles, what's the point?

Everyone is butt-hurt when Coach loses the comp, but really it's the world's most famous puzzle. If you can't get this right--especially with your entire team contributing--then you are worthless. And neither returning cast member knew what the hell to do. At least Edna was there, asking Coach if he needed help carrying his things back to camp. HOW MANY THINGS DOES HE HAVE?! She ends up carrying his leather loafers, looking like a sad mix of little sister and that creepy new girl from Degrassi. (Please tell me other adults are still watching Degrassi. I'm not that weird, right?)

Um, back at their respective camps there are very different ideas as to how to kick off their first day. Coach puts his team right to work (I refuse to learn the names of these actual tribes) and they start building their sleeping structures. There's a bunch of nonsense about Russell Hantz's nephew, Brandon, claiming he'll never take his shirt off so that no one sees his TWO "Hantz" tattoos. One of them says "Lil' Hantz." This only adds to my old lady beleif that it ought to be illegal for people younger than 30 to get tattoos. And really, buddy, you're never going to take off your shirt? I'm sure no one thinks anything's weird when you're fishing and you've taken off your shirt everywhere but your shoulders. That's normal. That's what people do.

I guess my bigger complaint would be his completely sexist villification of Mikayla for simply being a female. See, she's committed the absolute atrocity of walking around camp in shorts and a tank top. And being attractive. As a young, married, Christian man, Brandon doesn't like the way that Mikayla "carries herself," so he stares at her creepily from behind palm fronds and denounces her harlot ways. It's 100 degrees out you asshole. If you can't keep it in your pants, that's your own issue.

Over at Ozzy's camp he's decided that everyone should go for a swim instead of building a shelter. Huh, that's probably a good idea. Worst-draft-pick-of-the-century Cochran feels self-concious about his pale skin and sickly body so he makes a big scene about not wanting to go in. Look, buddy, no one cared about you until you made a stink about it. How could anyone even see you when Semhar's boobs are on full display? Shut up and get me points for a few weeks. And start crying while you're at it. Speaking of crying, Dawn--the crazy Mormon mom who looks like the troll meme--is fucking breaking. She's freaking out about the shelter not being built, she's freaking out about being old, she's freaking out about the lack of water. Lady! Stop freaking out! That's a guarenteed way to get voted off.

At the immunity competition Ozzy's team shockingly loses, as Semhar volunteers to shoot coconut baskets and is too tired to lift her arms after just two attempts (none of which she made). The team loses by one and have to vote off one player at tribal council. And boy, what a tribal it was. On the chopping block were Semhar, who has proven herself useless around camp (no, making "toothbrushes" for everyone does not count) and who totally blew the comp for everyone, and Cochran, whose insecurity only stands to highlight a physical weakness that he seems fatefully unaware of. Was you stopping at the climbing wall and simply asking "What do I do?" before having Daddy Bear (I feel gross typing that) and Ozzy fling you over a big deal? Yes, it was. He argues that, though he sometimes needs direction, he's at least willing to tirelessly work, and Semhar's boobs argue that they're magnificent and you probably want to look at them for a little while longer.

In a unanimous vote by everyone who isn't Semhar, she is sent to Redemption Island and cries like a small baby.

***Editorial Note: I drafted Cochran because I expected him to be less awkward. His bio said that he was funny and nerdy, so I thought that he'd be in the vein of any number of funny and nerdy people who don't make me want to kill small animals. He is not funny. And he is not nerdy. He is social napalm. He is the most grating, annoying thing I may have ever come into contact with and I am sad to have wasted a draft pick on him. I apologize to my future progeny for such a fantastic misstep. (If he gets me a bunch of points and makes it far, I redact this statement.)

Posted in: Survivor,survivor Recap