Friday, September 2, 2011

America's Next Top Model Hoochies


Season: Cycle 1

Remembered For: Being the smalltown girl who almost won it all in the inaugural season of the show. 

Shocking Moment: Refusing to pose nude during a photo shoot. 

Predictions: She got married while she was still a virgin. She currently lives in Indiana. She is 27. That is, like, 73 in model years. 


Season: Cycle 4

Remembered For: Dem lips. Reminding everyone of Janice Dickinson but looking too sexy to be high fashion.

Predictions: Look, she's 29. Why is she on this show. She may be my favorite of all time but come on. Beyond that, she has a great personality and the judges love her. 


Season: Cycle 4

Remembered For: Drinking wine. Being eccentric. Urinating in an adult diaper. Talking to a shrub she named Cousin It. 

Predictions: This chick is reality TV gold. She has since appeared on Celebrity Rehab and showed up drunk on Perez Hilton. In addition to all of that insane behavior she was a pretty good model--and she knew it--which pissed all the other girls off.


Season: Cycle 2

Remembered For: Being a total bitch. Having a 7-head. Making Yoanna cry for no reason. 

Predictions: This girl is the original Top Model bitch--her attitude was the reason that she got eliminated. But, I mean, she's 33. What's the point?


Season: Cycle 5

Remembered For: Her fierce walk. Acting "ghetto." Stealing another contestant's Red Bull.

Predictions: She's still young enough to actually get work and girl was a pretty good model. I predict more shimmy shake and a ton more drama.


Season: Cycle 9

Remembered For: Fighting with everyone. Being afraid of heights. Having to get her head shaved. Learning to model by looking at magazines while in the house.

Predictions: Considering the fact that she got famous post-show for getting into a physical altercation with Nikki Blonsky's family, she seems to still be bringing the drama. Expect more bitch fights.


Season: Cycle 10

Remembered For: Looking like a dude. Having to get a dude's hair cut. Not being able to wear makeup well.

Predictions: She "won" the subsequent competition "Modelville" so I think she's going to think that her shit doesn't still. I'm also hoping that she'll cry during makeovers again.


Season: Cycle 11

Remembered For: Actually physically being a dude while being fiercer and prettier than all of the other girls in the house. 

Predictions: I predict that I will be confused as to how to score her crying on the show. 


Season: Cycle 11

Remembered For: Reminding everyone of Kimora Lee Simmons. Having a banging personality. Being too overtly sexual. Denying breast implants. 

Predictions: Giiirrrrrrrllll, Sheena is fab as hell and she does not take it very well when others don't recognize it. Drama!


Season: Cycle 12

Remembered For: Looking like an anime character. Oversized features. Being jealous of people who get nosebleeds. 

Predictions: Allison almost won it all--and I think that she should have. I think with all the drama going on in the house she might just breeze right on by.


Season: Cycle 13

Remembered For: Having her grandmother make her clothes. Being a country bumpkin. Never winning a challenge but making it all the way to the end.

Predictions: She's incredibly commericial but incredibly shy compared to these other girls. She might get eaten up.


Season: Cycle 14

Remembered For: Looking like a dude. Pissing me off. Inexplicably going all the way to the end while never once impressing me. 

Predictions: Tyra clearly loves this chick but why?! She'll make it far enough. Ugh. I guess I just don't get it.


Season: Cycle 15

Remembered For: Ridiculous red hair. Still looking great despite ridiculous red hair. Revealing that she's a lesbian. Being robbed of an obvious win.

Predictions: Just a whole lot of fierce being fine and fabulous all up in the Top Model house. 


Season: Cycle 16

Remembered For: Being the villain in the house. Pissing off the judges. Telling other people how to model.

Predictions: These old-school bitches are going to have none of her drama and it's going to be amaaaaazzziiinnnnggggg.


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