1:16 PM
Smellin Pooper
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bachelor Pad Draft
The last step in our summer Reality TV Fantasy Draft was drafting from the summer blockbuster STD-fest Bachelor Pad. We were both given the opportunity to draft three players each. Here's how it all went down:
Round One:
Helen:
Vienna Girardi:
Look, I have watched a lot of reality television. And I mean, a LOT. And I think that the televised blow-up between Jake Pavelka and his former reality TV fiance Vienna might be the best thing I have ever seen. Did I mention that he's in the house? And that her current beau, Kasey "Guard and Protect Your Heart/Kermit the Frog" Kahl is there too? Oh yeah, she's a total slutbag who has slept with most of the male Bachelordom population, thus pissing off most of the female Bachelordom population. Get those tears ready, little lady.
Michelle Money:
Poyer is banking on a lot of hookup points from this minx. On her season of The Bachelor (Brad Womack's second go-round) she managed to make absolutely no friends in the house. Now, this could have been from her erratic behavior, the time that she woke up with a mysterious black eye, her constant profession that she wasn't there to make friends, but I happen to think that it's just because she's super foxy and bitches be jealous. She does have that certain something special about her that causes men to slay puppies in order for an opportunity to get near her. Also, cray cray.
Round Two:
Helen:
Jake Pavelka:
Hoping for double argument points I drafted The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love pilot-of-my-heart Jake. I actually really, really dislike this guy. The little Grinch curl in his lips, the way that he smarms his way into conversations. But hey, he makes for good TV. And he has a lot of beef with people in the house, not to mention that the producers love his particular brand of catering to the format so they'll probably find some way to keep him around. Most importantly though, perhaps, is that he's a bedazzled shrug away from performing at my local DipStix so he seems to feel the need to "romance women" in order to prove that he's totally straight.
Poyer:
Michael Stagliano:
I think this best explains the logic behind Poyer's next draft pick...
Beyond the leather jacket, Michael is in the house with his recently broken-up-with fiance. So, that'll be drams.
Round Three:
Helen:
Kirk DeWindt:
I went with the ginger stud himself. Taxidermy and soulessness aside, he seems to have some swag. I think that the ladies will like him enough for hookup points, he's athletic enough to win competitions and he's harmless enough to possibly sail to the end.
Poyer:
Kasey Kahl:
Oh ye, one of the tattoo emabarrassment. Prince of Protection. Your frog voice has spun a million tales of love and loss. If there are points for saying the word protect, I am going to lose this competition. Fuck.
Round One:
Helen:
Vienna Girardi:
Look, I have watched a lot of reality television. And I mean, a LOT. And I think that the televised blow-up between Jake Pavelka and his former reality TV fiance Vienna might be the best thing I have ever seen. Did I mention that he's in the house? And that her current beau, Kasey "Guard and Protect Your Heart/Kermit the Frog" Kahl is there too? Oh yeah, she's a total slutbag who has slept with most of the male Bachelordom population, thus pissing off most of the female Bachelordom population. Get those tears ready, little lady.
Michelle Money:
Poyer is banking on a lot of hookup points from this minx. On her season of The Bachelor (Brad Womack's second go-round) she managed to make absolutely no friends in the house. Now, this could have been from her erratic behavior, the time that she woke up with a mysterious black eye, her constant profession that she wasn't there to make friends, but I happen to think that it's just because she's super foxy and bitches be jealous. She does have that certain something special about her that causes men to slay puppies in order for an opportunity to get near her. Also, cray cray.
Round Two:
Helen:
Jake Pavelka:
Hoping for double argument points I drafted The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love pilot-of-my-heart Jake. I actually really, really dislike this guy. The little Grinch curl in his lips, the way that he smarms his way into conversations. But hey, he makes for good TV. And he has a lot of beef with people in the house, not to mention that the producers love his particular brand of catering to the format so they'll probably find some way to keep him around. Most importantly though, perhaps, is that he's a bedazzled shrug away from performing at my local DipStix so he seems to feel the need to "romance women" in order to prove that he's totally straight.
Poyer:
Michael Stagliano:
I think this best explains the logic behind Poyer's next draft pick...
Round Three:
Helen:
Kirk DeWindt:
I went with the ginger stud himself. Taxidermy and soulessness aside, he seems to have some swag. I think that the ladies will like him enough for hookup points, he's athletic enough to win competitions and he's harmless enough to possibly sail to the end.
Poyer:
Kasey Kahl:
Oh ye, one of the tattoo emabarrassment. Prince of Protection. Your frog voice has spun a million tales of love and loss. If there are points for saying the word protect, I am going to lose this competition. Fuck.
Week 8 Point Totals
Blah, blah, blah, points. All I really cared about this week was that it will probably be the last time that I ever have to watch The Bachelorette. Look, people, this marked our inaugural draft season and we made a few mistakes that we certainly won't be making again: Chief among them was including this god awful show. Never, ever again.
But before it ended, Poyer got some major points out of it. J.P. Rosenbaum was crowned the winner (?) of the whole shebang when Ashley agreed to spend the rest of her miserable self-hating life with him (50 points). The couple also shared two kisses (10 points) and exchanged a gift (10 points).
Over in Celebrity Rehab land, Sugar Kiper is proving to be a very advantageous late-round pickup. She cried 3 times this episode, netting 15 points. Too bad Poyer evened it out with 15 points from Michael Lohan's undelivered upon threat to leave the show.
Jenn from the Challenge behaved the way she usually behaves on these shows: getting pretty drunk (9 points) and yelling at some girl (5 points). Poyer also netted 10 points from Laurel's challenge win. Boo. Lessening those blows were the kissing points I got from Paula (5), the yelling points I got from crazy-ass CT (5), and the double kissing points I got from Wes and Mandi (5 each). And, finally, I bid adieu to perhaps my favorite team member, Jasmine. Thanks for all for the punches, shots, broom closet hookups and goodbye tears (5 points).
Now, let's talk about Basketball Wives. There is some weird shit happening in the water down there in Miami. See, Eric Williams of Jennifer Williams' ex-husband fame, is producing some sort of a motion picture to capture the ever elusive Basketball Wives Fans Who Also Love Action Movies set. And he wants Royce to star in it. And she's actually interested. Welp, there went 10 self-promotion points to Poyer. Thankfully I countered it with a double whammy from Evelyn (5 points for crying and 5 for kissing).
