America's Next Top Model Hoochies

Shannon:

Season: Cycle 1


Remembered For: Being the smalltown girl who almost won it all in the inaugural season of the show. 


Shocking Moment: Refusing to pose nude during a photo shoot. 


Predictions: She got married while she was still a virgin. She currently lives in Indiana. She is 27. That is, like, 73 in model years. 

Brittany:

Season: Cycle 4


Remembered For: Dem lips. Reminding everyone of Janice Dickinson but looking too sexy to be high fashion.


Predictions: Look, she's 29. Why is she on this show. She may be my favorite of all time but come on. Beyond that, she has a great personality and the judges love her. 


Lisa:

Season: Cycle 4


Remembered For: Drinking wine. Being eccentric. Urinating in an adult diaper. Talking to a shrub she named Cousin It. 


Predictions: This chick is reality TV gold. She has since appeared on Celebrity Rehab and showed up drunk on Perez Hilton. In addition to all of that insane behavior she was a pretty good model--and she knew it--which pissed all the other girls off.

Camille:

Season: Cycle 2


Remembered For: Being a total bitch. Having a 7-head. Making Yoanna cry for no reason. 


Predictions: This girl is the original Top Model bitch--her attitude was the reason that she got eliminated. But, I mean, she's 33. What's the point?

Bre:

Season: Cycle 5


Remembered For: Her fierce walk. Acting "ghetto." Stealing another contestant's Red Bull.


Predictions: She's still young enough to actually get work and girl was a pretty good model. I predict more shimmy shake and a ton more drama.

Bianca:

Season: Cycle 9


Remembered For: Fighting with everyone. Being afraid of heights. Having to get her head shaved. Learning to model by looking at magazines while in the house.


Predictions: Considering the fact that she got famous post-show for getting into a physical altercation with Nikki Blonsky's family, she seems to still be bringing the drama. Expect more bitch fights.




Dominique:

Season: Cycle 10


Remembered For: Looking like a dude. Having to get a dude's hair cut. Not being able to wear makeup well.


Predictions: She "won" the subsequent competition "Modelville" so I think she's going to think that her shit doesn't still. I'm also hoping that she'll cry during makeovers again.


Isis: 

Season: Cycle 11


Remembered For: Actually physically being a dude while being fiercer and prettier than all of the other girls in the house. 


Predictions: I predict that I will be confused as to how to score her crying on the show. 




Sheena:

Season: Cycle 11


Remembered For: Reminding everyone of Kimora Lee Simmons. Having a banging personality. Being too overtly sexual. Denying breast implants. 


Predictions: Giiirrrrrrrllll, Sheena is fab as hell and she does not take it very well when others don't recognize it. Drama!

Allison:

Season: Cycle 12


Remembered For: Looking like an anime character. Oversized features. Being jealous of people who get nosebleeds. 


Predictions: Allison almost won it all--and I think that she should have. I think with all the drama going on in the house she might just breeze right on by.

Laura:

Season: Cycle 13


Remembered For: Having her grandmother make her clothes. Being a country bumpkin. Never winning a challenge but making it all the way to the end.


Predictions: She's incredibly commericial but incredibly shy compared to these other girls. She might get eaten up.

Angelea:

Season: Cycle 14


Remembered For: Looking like a dude. Pissing me off. Inexplicably going all the way to the end while never once impressing me. 


Predictions: Tyra clearly loves this chick but why?! She'll make it far enough. Ugh. I guess I just don't get it.

Kayla:

Season: Cycle 15


Remembered For: Ridiculous red hair. Still looking great despite ridiculous red hair. Revealing that she's a lesbian. Being robbed of an obvious win.


Predictions: Just a whole lot of fierce being fine and fabulous all up in the Top Model house. 

Alexandria:

Season: Cycle 16


Remembered For: Being the villain in the house. Pissing off the judges. Telling other people how to model.


Predictions: These old-school bitches are going to have none of her drama and it's going to be amaaaaazzziiinnnnggggg.

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America's Next Top Model Preview Video

Giiiiiirl, these hoochies were almost all hot messes when they were on their own seasons. Can they handle being in a competition together? Check out the fierce new preview for the season!

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Real World: San Diego Preview and Cast Bios

So, with the 26th iteration of the long-running social experiment The Real World, known for its head-on tackling of such social quagmires as race relations, living with AIDS and biggotry, MTV decided to explore the lives of seven upstanding young people trying to find their way in life. Just kidding, they took us back to the site of one of the most debaucherous previous seasons (remember Brad's fight, that party where that girl got date raped, Robin's fight, Randy's fight, etc.?). That's right, we're headed back to San Diego. Here's a trailer for the season:

Get More: MTV Shows

Gosh, just look at all of those attractive young things kissing and drinking and getting angry at one another. It's truly groundbreaking. (I WILL WATCH EVERY MINUTE OF IT AND LOVE IT.)

If you just can't get enough and need to know more before the actual show premieres, here's what I've learned from the internet about these crazy kids:

Alexandra Govere:  Well, she has her own Wikipedia page, where you can learn all about the fact that she graduated from high school at 14 then went to Stanford then recorded some albums then did a bunch of charity work. She's also strikingly beautiful. So, basically, I'm not jealous at all. Not even a little. Not even because I just found my first gray hair last week. She's probably a total lame anyway. Except for the fact that she makes out with bisexual Frank. Thank'll garner some points.

Ashley Kelsey: I don't know if she's aware that she has two first names. And they're both the stuff of '80s legends. She hails from Connecticut and attended private school and then went to the University of Connecticut, majoring in Business, which is just like, the worst. Go hang out in FiDi already. Oh, yeah. She's a "model"--code for the fact that she has a lot of pictures of her on the internet in her underwear. Girl, you are 5'2". Stop.

Frank Sweeney: This meathead comes from upstate New York, but left the state to study Spanish and Molecular Biology, which is quite the combo. According to this trailer he's a pronounced bisexual which never goes over too well with other males in the house. Fact: He has a nice butt.

Nate Stodghill: From Missouri. Played football and studied nuclear engineering, like you do. He seems to be a drunken fratboy, which is my favortie kind of person. NOT! (See what I did there? I'm goign to bring the "not" joke back.)

Priscilla Mendez: I have this thing I do when a girl is just too stupid for words. I simply say "She sure is pretty." Look at Priscilla, guys! She sure is pretty! She got fake boobs last year and is that rare Real World breed who is forbidden from drinking by production because she's underage. Doesn't seem to be stopping her from hooking up with people.

Samantha "Sam" McGinn: Sam is the first lesbian to be on The Real World in a very long time. For some reason production has always been quick to cast gay men and bar-sexuals but lesbians get no love. No more! According to the trailer she dresses in masculine clothing but will don a triangle bikini top if the group shower calls for it. 

Zach Nichols: Another football-playing bro! How exciting! This one is arguably attractive, something new for the male cast of this season. But, I mean, they compare him to Thor for a reason. Dude looks a little cro magnon. So, probably dumb. But he seems to like making it with the ladies. Pointtttsssss!!!!

Read more »

America's Next Top Model Preview Video

Giiiiiirl, these hoochies were almost all hot messes when they were on their own seasons. Can they handle being in a competition together? Check out the fierce new preview for the season!

Read more »

The Biggest Loser Announces Cast!

Season 12 of The Biggest Loser premieres on Sept. 20 and some details of the new pack and how the competition will go down have leaked.

Fifteen new contestants will be divided into three teams of 5. The team divisions? Age. One group will be under 30, one 30-49 and one over 50. Everyone knows young people are lazy as fuck, no matter how fat they are. And olds? You can't trust olds to do anything right. My money's on the middle-of-the-pack folks. Especially since the team who wins the first competition gets to pick their trainer.

The folks over at NBC offered us this press release:

The new contestants include Vinny Hickerson, who overcame a difficult childhood to become a successful Nashville recording artist, Antone Davis, a 447-pound father of four and former NFL player for the Philadelphia Eagles and Atlanta Falcons, and Jennifer Rumple, a television producer who has accomplished every goal she has set for herself except one – losing weight.
Viewers will also meet Jessica Limpert, a traveling registered nurse whose long work shifts make it more challenging to eat healthy, Patrick Ferrari, who wants to lose weight to pass the physical agility test required to pursue his dream of being a police officer, and Bonnie Griffin, a 63-year-old grandmother of six who lost her home to Hurricane Katrina and lost her husband not long after.


Without further ado, here are the new contestants:

Under 30:

Courtney Rainville, Age: 24; Internet marketing specialist from Scottsdale, Arizona; 270 lbs.

Patrick Ferrari Age: 25 Mental health adult foster care worker) from Albany, Oregon; 387 lbs.

Jessica Lampert Age: 26; Travel nurse from San Francisco, California; 254 lbs.

Ramon Medeiros Age: 27; Tattoo artist from Florence, Colorado; 355 lbs.

Vinny Hickerson Age: 27; Songwriter/entertainer from Nashville, Tennessee; 426 lbs.

30-49:


Jennifer Rumple Age: 39; Television producer from Alameda, California; 330 lbs.

John Rhode Age: 40; Special education teacher/football coach from Mesa, Arizona; 445 lbs.

Sunny Sinclair Age: 41; Fifth grade teacher from Frisco, Texas; 277 lbs.

Antone Davis Age: 41; Restaurant manager and former NFL player for the Philadelphia Eagles and Atlanta Falcons from 1991-97 from Knoxville, Tennessee; 447 lbs.

Joe Mitchell Age: 46; Home health therapist from Knoxville, Tennessee; 348 lbs.

The Olds:

Becky Comet Age: 50; Math teacher from Benton, Arkansas; 238 lbs.

Debbie Lounds Age: 60; Senior administrative assistant from Ann Arbor, Michigan; 239 lbs.

Mike Danley Age: 61; High school teacher/football coach from Spencerville, Indiana; 309 lbs.

Bonnie Griffin Age: 63; Retired payroll supervisor from Picayune, Mississippi; 254 lbs.

Johnny Forger Age: 65; Realty company owner from Canton, Massachusetts; 328 lbs.

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Fall Draft Point System!

We're currently in the process of recruiting more members for the league! How exciting, right? For the fall league we'll be basing competition on the following shows:

Survivor: South Pacific (Sept. 14, CBS)
The Biggest Loser (Sept. 20, NBC)
America's Next Top Model (Sept. 14, The CW)
The Real World: San Diego (Sept. 28, MTV)
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Sept. 5, Bravo)

The following will be the point system:

Leaving Early:

Being kicked off of show by production (50)
Threatening to leave a show
    -Following through (30)
    -Not following through (15)
Coming back to show after they have left (15)

Drugs/Alcohol:

Extreme intoxication (commissioner’s discretion) (1-10)
Vomiting (10)
Claiming to have blacked out (5)
Drinking straight from the bottle (10)

Romantic:

Kissing someone else on camera
    -same sex (5)
    -opposite sex (10)
Three-way kiss (10)
Referring to lesbian behavior as begotten from alcohol (10)
Engaging in sexual intercourse (25)
Being the subject of excessive slurping noises added by producers (15)
Engaging in a threesome (30)
Hooking up with more than one person in the same day (non-threesome) (20)
Intentional nudity (20)
Unintentional nudity (10)

Physical:

Engaging in a verbal altercation (5)
Engaging in a physical altercation (25)
Throwing a drink or having a drink thrown on you (15)
Pulling a weave out (15)
Being restrained or lectured by production staff (25)
Requesting to be assaulted (10)
Feigning being held back by others during an altercation (10)
Punching wall or other inanimate object (10)
Breaking nail as a result of attacking or being attacked (5)
Claiming to have blacked out during a violent episode (10)

Non-Physical:

Female crying (5)
Male crying (20)
Uttering iterations of the following: (5 each)
“There for the right reasons”
“Not here to make friends”
“Throw you under the bus”
“Alliance”
“Everyone here hates me”
Making someone cry (10)
Curling up into the fetal position during altercation (15)
Plugging acting, modeling, singing career outside of the show (15)
Talking about altruistic things that will be done with winnings (20)

Show-specific:

Biggest Loser (Sept. 20, NBC)

Blaming weight gain on caring too much about others, not enough about self (10)
Dedicating weight loss to dead friend/relative (10)
Binging during food challenge (5)
Intentionally gaining weight (20)
Being subject to being yelled at by Bob Harper (5)
Referring to one’s team as “underdogs” (5)
Collapsing on or falling off of the treadmill or other equipment (25)
Saying that they "need to be here" (5)

Winning The Biggest Loser (50)

Survivor: South Pacific (Sept. 14, CBS)

Lying about occupation (20)
Arguing about food allotment (15)
Arguing with Jeff Probst (25)
Showing up to location in inappropriate shoes (15)
Finding hidden immunity idol (25)
Claiming to have found spirituality/Jesus/religion on Survivor (10)
Generalization about all old or young people  (5)
Winning Survivor (50)

America’s Next Top Model (Sept. 14, The CW)

Causing André Leon Talley to use the phrase “drekitude” (5)
Falling on the runway (20)
Being asked to “smize” (5)
Being subject to judges changing clothing during judging (10)
Accusing or being accused of having an eating disorder (10)
Being called a pretty girl, but not a model (10)
Saying another model is past their prime (10)
Winning America’s Next Top Model (50)

The Real World: San Diego (Sept. 28, MTV)

Being harassed by locals (5)
Hooking up with a roommate in the first two days (15)
Being banned from a local establishment (15)
Cheating on a significant other from back home (10)
Arguing over cleaning habits (10)
Referring to someone as either “real” or “fake” (5)
Engaging in sexual activity in the confessional (15)

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Sept. 5,  Bravo)

Expressing anger without moving forehead (10)
Throwing extravagant party (10)
Referencing Hilton family name (10)
Dressing a family pet in clothing (5)
Questioning fidelity of another cast member’s spouse (20)
Comparing one’s wealth to that of another cast member (10)
Using the word “classy” (5)
Mentioning charity work (10)

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Week 11 Point Totals

We're in the home stretch now and I've finally pulled forward!!!! OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (All of those "e"s stand for "eek") So, here's how it happened:

Poyer:

The Challenge: Rivals is over. That is sad news indeed. The good news is that they got renewed! The even better news if that this year's final challenge was so grueling and sadistic that actual indentured servitude is the only way to go from here! After having to kayak until their arms were going to fall off, run carrying a giant concrete ball, memorize an entire campsite, scale a mountain, replicate said campsite to the exact detail, eat a literal table full of food, puke, eat some more, scale a mountain, stand on a rock all night instead of sleeping, scale another mountain, find a honing device in a pile of rubble, all while remembering that your stipend is only $2,500... Johnny Bananas and Tyler won for the boys and Paula Walnuts and Ev won for the girls! Poyer got 50 points for Ev's final win. He also got an extra 10 for Jenn failing, as she does every challenge, and crying twice. Seriously, when will she learn that she's only good at the social game and awful at the actual challenges. Oh, yeah. She did. She's retiring. I shall miss your hair flips and your hand clapping.

Over in Bachelor Pad land Michelle Money made out with Graham (5 points) while he made it totally obvious that, while she's hot as all get-out, he's not sure he's actually interested in her. Girls who look like Michelle Money bear this cross daily. I think it's the lipliner. She did win a challenge though, so she's safe for another week! Kasey the Frog argued with love-of-his-life Vienna (5 points) and made up the best way he knows--by singing a song of his native people to his lady love. The choked lilt in his voice and extra mucus he must have had in his nose to give the ditty that extra froggy quality really sold it to me. Vienna, unfortunately, laughed at his attempt at musical career promotion (10 points)... right in his face. And poor, pathetic Michael is still poor and pathetic. He won a synchronized swimming competition--he is a "professional breakdancer" after all--and went on a sad, pathetic date with his ex-fiancee, Holley (10 points).

Thank god for Celebrity Rehab. I had had just about as much crazy as I could handle this week on those other shows. So this program, in which Bai Ling only cried once (5 points), was a nice break from all of the crazy drama.

Helen: 

Not that is was all calm and quiet on that show either. Survivor alum Sugar is proving to be a solid last-round pick, cranking out four crying sessions in one episode for a grand total of 20 points.

Bachelor Pad's Vienna picked up 5 points for her side of the Kasey/Vienna argument and another 5 for crying. In a fleeting attempt to stay in the house for just one more week, not that his prestigious careeer as a real-life airplane pilot is hurting at all, Jake open-mouth kissed Erica Rose, who is almost certainly no longer definable as a human being. She's got to be, like, 67% plastic, right?

The real points this week came from The Challenge. I chose three of the final victors, Johnny, Paula and Tyer for 150 points! Mandi cried when she realized that no matter how white her teeth were or how many guys she hooked up with, her partner was useless (5 points). Maybe next time, little lady.

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