12:11 PM
Smellin Pooper
I'd say I drafted pretty well when in this preview alone my pick cried multiple times, fell off of a bike and lost hella weight. It's gonna be a good season, kids.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
ANTM Judging Panels
*Each week I will judge the Top Models' panel photos as if I were the Janice Dickinson of this season. Except less drunk. And less plastic surgery witch-looking. I'm not really sure what criteria to use since this season isn't really choosing a top model so much as it is a top personality or a top you'll-get-lots-of-requests-to-host-club-nights-or-guest-star-on-CW-shows. They're having a make your own perfume challenge for God's sake. I mean, Game is a guest judge. At any rate I'll be judging the photos exactly like the ghost of Janice Dickinson would. OK, maybe just as drunk as her.
Here's Angelea, managing to look more like a broke down rat than usual. Why is her back turned to us? What is that "no, no" finger action. I can only see half your face!
Look at this motherfucking angelic princess! I mean, she's what? 30? Look at that body! Perfect example of modeling from your fingertips to your toes. Maybe the best photo TBH.
I'm as impressed as anyone that this used to be a man, but this posing is awkward as hell. It looks like something Liz Lemon would do if she was trying to be sexy. Why is her leg up like that? Who is she come hither-ing to? Drek. I. Tude.
This was probably my second favorite photo. And not just because I'm playing Janice Dickinson in these judging sessions and she looks a lot like young, hot, non-surgery Janice. Look at that broken doll leg. Look at the extension in that arm. Sadly, Brittany is gone because no one mentioned her in the live judging crowd. Why, hello America's Next Top F-List Celebrity.
Laura, you are so freaking good at this. Your legs look divine and your smile doesn't even look forced. I can't wait until we get some high fashion shots so you can own everyone while wearing no makeup at all. Work, country girl!
What is going on here? Her shoulders look like she plays on the D-line. This is not the way that models pose. It's the way that Lindsay Lohan poses. All this shot is missing is a rusty knife, some smeared lipstick and and a rando with some vampire teeth.
I've never been the biggest Bianca fan but damn if this isn't a decent shot. I could see this in a generic purse ad but that's it. Just a generic shot in a generic purse ad. That's OK for now but you can't keep playing it safe.
You can't deny those legs but this sexy one-leg-up pose is a little much for high fashion modeling. I would have liked a more masculine, Grace Jones look with just a straight-on look, wide legs, hands on hips. It's OK, Camille. I'll take this AND your 7-head.
Kayla, this is a hot mess. You're already shorter than all the other girls. Why would you scrunch up your body like that? What's up with that phantom right hand? And the other one? A fist? Ugh.
Well, the good new Kayla is that Alexandria did this. Why does she have scary monster fingers? Why is she hunched over like this? And I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but her legs are looking a little thick for a model. I mean, she's hella skinny for a real person. But a model? She would book shit.
Allison, you were born to model and you don't even know it. From those eyes to the purposeful pose, everything is right with this shot. Especially the detail of the pointed left toe.
Sheena, girl, you know I love you. We could rep Harlem all day and I don't even hate your overly fake boobies. But this looks straight hoochie. If they're going to dress you like a 40/40 chicken head please don't pose like a video girl.
What can I say? I don't hate it. I don't love it. It looks like the kind of shot that would come out of the portfolio you got after one of those fake modeling schools. Let's leave that mess to Model Mayhem, OK?
I can't. I mean, I just cannot. Why is she humping that tree? Or is she using it as a pillow? And how does this represent the masculine/feminine dichotomy? I suppose none of that really matters when you give her credit for having a baby 2 MONTHS AGO!!!
Here's Angelea, managing to look more like a broke down rat than usual. Why is her back turned to us? What is that "no, no" finger action. I can only see half your face!
Look at this motherfucking angelic princess! I mean, she's what? 30? Look at that body! Perfect example of modeling from your fingertips to your toes. Maybe the best photo TBH.
I'm as impressed as anyone that this used to be a man, but this posing is awkward as hell. It looks like something Liz Lemon would do if she was trying to be sexy. Why is her leg up like that? Who is she come hither-ing to? Drek. I. Tude.
This was probably my second favorite photo. And not just because I'm playing Janice Dickinson in these judging sessions and she looks a lot like young, hot, non-surgery Janice. Look at that broken doll leg. Look at the extension in that arm. Sadly, Brittany is gone because no one mentioned her in the live judging crowd. Why, hello America's Next Top F-List Celebrity.
You can't deny those legs but this sexy one-leg-up pose is a little much for high fashion modeling. I would have liked a more masculine, Grace Jones look with just a straight-on look, wide legs, hands on hips. It's OK, Camille. I'll take this AND your 7-head.
The Real World: San Diego Cast Videos
MTV has given us a couple nuggets of love to quell our anticipation for the fast approaching Real World: San Diego. Below are some short character vids.
Highlights include Zach "not caring what Frank does" (referring to his sexual dalliances with other men) but "where he does it." Want to take bets on how often this meat head hooks up with women in public spaces? Look, if you're gonna be a homophobe, just be open about it so I can open hate you and stop being attracted to you against my better judgment. Elsewhere we get the juxtaposition of Alexandra, who just wants the chance to have fun after a lifetime of being the world's most gorgeous overachiever, and Ashley Kelsey (who will heretofore be referred to by her full name, because if your parents gifted you with the perfect cheerleader slut name, it ought to be appreciated), whose ass is her finest accomplishment. Hey, anything to distract you from that face, amirite? Oh, and she's not the only lady in the house who's proud of her body. Youngster Priscilla explains: "Most 19-year-olds don't have boob jobs, but like, we're in San Diego." I don't know what that means.
Check out the clips, below.
Highlights include Zach "not caring what Frank does" (referring to his sexual dalliances with other men) but "where he does it." Want to take bets on how often this meat head hooks up with women in public spaces? Look, if you're gonna be a homophobe, just be open about it so I can open hate you and stop being attracted to you against my better judgment. Elsewhere we get the juxtaposition of Alexandra, who just wants the chance to have fun after a lifetime of being the world's most gorgeous overachiever, and Ashley Kelsey (who will heretofore be referred to by her full name, because if your parents gifted you with the perfect cheerleader slut name, it ought to be appreciated), whose ass is her finest accomplishment. Hey, anything to distract you from that face, amirite? Oh, and she's not the only lady in the house who's proud of her body. Youngster Priscilla explains: "Most 19-year-olds don't have boob jobs, but like, we're in San Diego." I don't know what that means.
Check out the clips, below.
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Get More: Real World: San Diego, MTV Shows
Friday, September 16, 2011
Week 1 Fall Point Totals
Let's break it down by show:
Survivor: There was plenty of footwear that should never, ever be brought to the beach going on in this mess. Coach, Stacey, Dawn, Semhar, Mikayla, Whitney, Cochran, Brandon, Ozzy, Elise and Christine all showed up in ridic flip flops or dress shoes, netting 15 points each. Dawn threw on the water works three separate times to get herself 15 extra points, Semhar cried twice, getting 10 points. Jim lied (poorly) about his occupation to grab 20 points and Mark claimed that all the young people on his tribe would stick together, not giving him a chance, for 5 points.
**Amended to reflect 5 points for Coach saying "alliance."
ANTM: Andre Leon Talley was not a fan of Bre's photo at panel and she received the dreaded drekitude label, getting herself 5 points. Alexandria cried twice (10 points) when the crowd at live judging booed her and told her that they hated her (harsh much?), and Shannon cried once (5 points) when she was asked to wear underwear that were twice the fabric than the swim suit bottoms she ultimately chose.
RHOBH: Taylor started what I think will be a big trend this season and cried twice for 10 points. Kim and Kyle only cried once each when she talking about their relationship, but it got them each 5 points. Camille's weekend mountain party for the ladies netted 10 points and in fab Lisa fashion, we got a disgusting scene of Ms. Vanderfabulous open-mouth kissing a dressed-up Giggy (5 points).
John(ny Bananas)
Let's all pause and recall a time when Johnny Bananas was simply known as "John."
They grow up so fast:
They grow up so fast:
Week 13 Summer Point Totals
Oh suuuuuuure, Poyer just had to catch up at the last minute. And of course it was a fatal last minute Bachelor Pad drafting mistake. I should have never split the power couple of Vienna and Kasey, so as to get twice as many crazy points. This week the duo got into a verbal argument about televised sex (5 points each). It resulted in Kasey threatening to leave (15 points). And finally, in a coital make-up (25 points each). Then Michelle Money won the competition to grab another 10 points. Fifty point spread heading into the finals? Does NOT look good for me.
Week 12 Summer Point Totals
Limping into the finals, kiddos. A few kissing points from Vienna, Frogger and Kirk. Let's hope the finale provides more!
