10:56 PM
Smellin Pooper
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Week 5 Point Totals
Survivor: The episode kicked off with Brandon crying (20) about what Mikayla said at Tribal Council. What a big meanie for saying that he was a Hantz and making him cry sad, sad man tears (10). Elyse, Dawn, Whitney and Coach all netted 5 points for uttering "alliance", with the latter also nabbing the hidden immunity idol (25). And finally, Stacey not only delivered the most hilarious stream of conciousness speak at Redemption Island I've ever witnessed (having a one-sided argument with Coach--oops, sorry, Benjamin--in the process (5)) but also generalized that since the members of Coach's alliance were young, they were natural followers (5).
America's Next Top Model: Very few points this week in what was, otherwise, a pretty hilarious episode. Kayla's obvious eating disorder made a guest appearance while she tried to quell dizziness with too many pills and puked it all up (10). And Camille was sent home, but not before she was called "pretty but not a model" twice (10).
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Housewives served up the first of a two-part game night episode in which the ladies pretend to eat and enjoy board games at the ever-desperate Dana's house. She nabbed 10 points by mentioning the Hilton family name during a game of celebrity, as did both Kyle and Kim. Kyle also compared her wealth to that of her hostess (10) and engaged in a verbal argument over whether her sister was really getting high during her frequent trips to the bathroom (5). For her part, Kim was totally intoxicated on something, and I'm guessing it wasn't the coffee that she was drinking (10). So intoxicated, in fact, that she argued (5) without uttering discernible sentences and cried (5).
Biggest Loser: Speaking of water works, The Biggest Loser was reliable as ever in that category. Ramon and Vinny only choked up once each (20), but Antone continued his floodgate opening by crying three times (60), once after being yelled at by Bob (10). Also suffering from the attack were Jennifer (10), who managed to only cry once (10), and John (10), who proved that boys are bigger babies with three cries (60). But the real sad face goes to Sunny (what a joke of a name, amirite?!), who cried a whopping five times this episode (25).
The Real World: Remember when I said that Frank was the best draft pick possible? Well, here's why: After getting drunk at the gay club (6) he brought a dude home and kissed him three times (30) and had sex with him in his bed, the hot tub and the shower (75). After his roommates yelled at him for leaving a used condom in the shower (10) and slept in a hammock outside rather than bunking in the same room as him, he decided to get more wasted than I've seen anyone on television in a while (10), arguing with his roomie Nate (5) engaging him physically twice (50) and punching or destroying no less than nine objects (90) before curling up into a fetal position (15) and telling his roommates that he was going to leave (15). Oh, and he also cries three times (60). That made all of his roommates' efforts look like small potatoes. Certainly Nate arguing (5), fighting twice (50), getting piss ass drunk himself (9), and engaging in a little nookie himself (25). Which all looks pretty pathetic until you check out Zach, who's finally on the board with a measly 10 points from questioning Frank's cleanliness, Priscilla got cried twice for 10 points, or Sam with her 10 girl-on-girl kissing points.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Week 3 Fall Point Totals
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Brandi Glanville was introduced this episode, and as we've seen in previews, her presence is going to earn a lot of people a lot of points. Just not this episode. The only person who did drum up any kind of response on the scoreboard was Kyle, who mentioned her charity work (10), threw an extravagant party (10)--even if it was in the back of a mall--compared her wealth to another cast member's (10), and mentioned the Hilton name by referencing niece Paris' perfume (10).
The Biggest Loser: What a house full of cry babies, amirite? This week we got our first food challenge binge. The culprit was mini donuts, and at 30 calories a piece contestants might have gotten away with competing without totally going overboard. Except that John took the opportunity to eat upwards of 1,300 calories worth. That's a whole lotta binge (5). Lucky for Team We Need to Be Here, he cried about it. Twice. (40) Ramon also eeked out a few tears (20), as did Antone (20), who has turned into a veritable crying machine. He's so unstable, in fact, that he took out his emotion after being yelled at by Bob (5) on a poor stationary bike, shaking it so hard that he fell off of it (25) and crashed into poor Sunny, causing her to fall off of her own bike (25). Gosh, Sunny. Maybe that's why you cried twice (10).
Survivor: The island of misfit toys is still providing a steady stream of points from saying the word alliance Ozzy, Keith and Brandon said it once (5 points each)--Brandon while he yelled at Mikayla that she didn't "have much of an alliance at all," basically outing his own. That made Coach (part of the aforementioned alliance) to get all paranoid and say the word twice (10). Before making his trip to Redemption Island, and after running through the jungle in his underwear like a crazed 4-year-old, Papa Bear got into an argument with seemingly everyone at tribal council and yet, no one at all (5). Semhar wept after losing the first Redemption Island challenge despite the recitation of some "calming" poetry (5). But the real story of the episode was the continued craziness of Brandon, who decided to call a tribe meeting after Mikayla asked why in the world he would want her voted off so badly (spoiler alert: it's because he's an insane, sexually repressed religious fanatic) and proceeded to tell her that no one liked her and she was on the outside of a dominant alliance of which he was a part. This caused both Brandon and Mikayla to cry (20 for him, 5 for her) with added points for Brandon being the reason that Mikayla cried (10) and Mikayla curling up into the fetal position while she wept (15). Have I mentioned that I hate that dude?
America's Next Top Model: Finally! A legit photo shoot! Unfortunately, a decent photo shoot with good results make for little to no drama. At least Angelea decided to get into an argument with no one in the limo (5). Bre needed to smize (5). And Bianco decided to cry after having to wear stilts (5). How is an All-Stars cycle so lame?
The Real World: If this premiere was any indication, this season is going to be amazing. Let's do a rundown of the cast members. There's Ashley, the underwear "model" who has so far talked about modeling (15) and how pretty she is, and who went topless in the house in the first episode (20). Priscilla, the 19-year-old whose mom dropped her off at the house after talked to her graphically about having sex on her grandmother's couch. This chick couldn't go out with the rest of the group, so she made out with roomie Nate (5--with an extra 15 for doing it in the first two days). That made her cry (5), but she got over it by showing off her grandparent-purchased fake boobies to the whole house (20). Alexandria rounds out the three-bed girls' room, a seemingly cool chick who's a singer (15) and has a boyfriend who she cried while leaving (5). But those aren't the only girls in the house. Sam, the lesbian whom everyone thought was a boy at first, might be annoying or she might be cool... I'm not sure. I am sure that she was drunk the second night out (7). On the boy side there's Zach, who is really hot and really douchey--and doesn't do anything to earn points. Nate, his brother in bro-hood, hooked up with Priscilla (5--and an extra 15 for doing it in the first two days). But the ultimate creep prize goes to Frank the bisexual creeper who becomes so obsessesed with Alex in the two day that he's met her that he won't allow her to talk to any other men and punches a wall when she politely remind him that she has a boyfriend (10). Hey, if both intentional (20) and unintentional nudity (10) haven't worked, if two nights of being wasted (4 and 8 points respectively), and if crying (20) hasn't made the totally balanced girl fall in love with your crazy ass in two days, why not call home and tell your BFF that no one in the house likes you (5)?
