Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Week 9 Point Totals

Monday, November 7, 2011

Top 5 Gifs From RHOBH Engagement Party

Week 8 Point Totals

Carly had her biggest week ever, guys! Not that it really matters when Jen's still dominating on the strength of a single player. Ugh, at least I'm still in it, right? Here's what went down this week:

Survivor: Making moves, nerd! After the tribes merged Ozzy sent Cochran over to Coach's tribe to root out info from the enemy. Too bad he got spoiled on all of the not-constantly-insulting-him and respectfully-speaking-to-him-like-an-equal nonsense. Given that once one of the tribe gets picked off he'll be at the bottom of the pack anyway, he decided to turn coat and vote Keith onto Redemption Island. Hooray! In between there was much talk of alliances (15 for Cochran) and a little crying on the part of Dawn (15) when she realized that allowing her tribe's abusive treatment of Cochran all these weeks was nothing short of un-Christian-like.

Real World: Frank has a boyfriend, y'all! They've known each other for all of two days but Frank is in lurve and he's showing it by kissing that boy all over the place (80). Zach and Ashley are grossed out because they are bigots. I am grossed out because it means that Jen just got 80 points. Get it in, Frank, just don't let it count toward my losing this game. All in all though, it was a pretty decent episode. Sam cried a few times at Pride (10), got drunk at the clurb (6) and made out with some tattooed chick (10). Nate launched his charity but still found time to get piss drunk three times for the following score totals: (6) (10) (7). That boy might have a problem. 

Biggest Loser: It was an emotional week for the bigguns as they formed new teams. No one wanted to be on Anna's team since she's been doing less than stellar work with the olds but Ramon ended up there, complained, got over it, lost a bunch of weight and then saw "the love of his life" Jessica get sent home. Then he cried (20). John (20) and Sunny (5) also cried, but really, when don't they. Antone got his ass reamed in the gym, getting yelled at by Bob a whole lots (30) and breaking down into exercise tears (20) but dude lost like 17 pounds so I bet he's OK with it.

ANTM: Remember a couple cycles back when Tyra decided she was going to launch a music career and she made the models be her backup dancers. It was awful: The dancing, the music, Tyra and, ultimately, her music career. Well, she's decided that it might be a good idea to let some other tall thin people embarrass themselves by forcing the ladies to write and sing a song, then film a video for it so that it can go viral. Lisa, a "dance music artist" for years, won the song writing challenge by rapping to a music executive and got to see her fiance! He looks pretty normal but she insisted upon wearing sunglasses in their confessional which leads me to believe that he totally brought her some coke or pills or something. At any rate, they totally kissed (5) and did it (25). That's right. DID IT. In less happy news Allison had a hard time with the songwriting challenge, finally deciding to write about her recently deceased father. Then came the bomb that she had to incorporate "Pot Ledom" into the lyrics (Top Model backwards, don't you know?) and she sort of turned into an emotional mess (15). It's OK though, guys, Game fell in love with her at the video shoot. He did not, however, fall in love with Alexandria. He called her the Tin Man and sent her packing. Tears for you, Alexandria (5).

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: When my friends get engaged we go to a bar and take shots. When Lisa Vanderpump's daughter Pandora (that is her real name) gets engaged she has a party in a mansion with camels and secret sex rooms and mermaid women and contortionists and guests who call their husbands Daddy. You know, like you do. Lisa held court over the extravagant party (10), dressed Giggy up (10) and cried for good measure (5). In other storylines Kyle's mother-in-law got a face lift and made me never, ever want to get plastic surgery. Kyle cried (10). Taylor and Russell had a tense ass conversation about a tabloid story about their marriage. Russell thought that Lisa told the story to her pal at the glossy. Taylor cried (5). Kim has a disgusting new boyfriend and continues to gross me out. She kissed him (5) and the producers felt the need to add extra slurping noises (15). Ick.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Week 7 Point Totals

Thankfully Jen had an awful week last week. Finally, something good is happening around here, amirite? Here's how it all went down:

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: After a few weeks of drama due to the Board Game Night From Hell, the ladies are due for some R&R. And what better way to relax than to hire three waiters, four masseuses, an electrolosis machine operator, a facialist and employ more than $300,000 worth of beautification equiptment? In your own home. That's what Lisa did, then invited the other ladies over to enjoy. Needless to say, it was less than relaxing. All of the extravagence caused Kyle to compare her wealth to Adrienne's (10), and Brandi's presense made her argue about the game night (5) and make poor Brandi cry (10). Amazingly enough, Brandi argued (5) and cried twice (10), all without moving her forehead once (10). And I thought Lisa dressing Giggy in clothes at every turn (5) was otherworldly.

Survivor: Big moves were made on the island last week. First Mikayla was defeated by Christine at Redemption Island, shedding a tear as she left (5). Then Ozzy got over his tantrum about Elise being voted out long enough to tell Cochran that he was going to throw himself to the wolves on Redemption Island, hoping to emerge the victor and have his tribe up numbers at the merge. Then Cochran totally blew the challenge, making himself (20) and Dawn (5) cry like babies and Ozzy punch a wall twice (20). After much talk of alliances, the merge and proving oneself (Keith said it once for 5 points), Ozzy had a dream about winning Redemption Island and volunteered himself. What an idiot.

The Biggest Loser: This week the contestants were giving the chance to save everyone on the ranch by losing 100 lbs. collectively. Well, that didn't go so well. I think they hit 40, maybe. Cry count: John (20), Jennifer (20), Ramon (20), Antone (20), Vinny (20), Sunny (10). Jennifer was also a huge baby about having to train with people other than Bob, causing her to get into an argument with Vinny (5 each) and tell people that she wasn't there to make friends (5). Well, after this episode she wasn't there at all. Antone did get to work with Bob though, and even got yelled at by him (15). He also told the crew that he needed to be there (5). But the big story this week was Ramon hooking up with a lady love on campus and netting 10 kissing points.

America's Next Top Model: This show continues to drudge on not doing much of anything. Bianca and Alexandia argued about god knows what (5 points each), and the pair both cried (Bianca twice for 10 and Alex once for 5). That was about all that happened.

The Real World: Look, this week was a comparatively dull one for this crazy ass show. Zach and Ashley were personality-less bigots, but the rest of the house kept their cool most of the time. I would have freaked the fuck out. First, Sam cried when she found out that her friend had gotten into a terrible car accident (5). Then she argued with Zach after he told her that he would "beat the gay out of her." (5 points each. She later cried over it (5) and had a one-sided argument with Frank over what to do about the situation (5). I would have cut the rest of his awful eyebrows off if I were them.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Week 6 Point Totals

Slowly closing the gap on Jen's colossal lead. Slowly. Here's the breakdown:

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: With the conclusion of the Board Game Night from Hell, the ladies finally decided to wrack up some points. Brandi continued her verbal argument (5) with Kim (5) and Kyle (5), though it was mostly Brandi and Kyle, both of which expressed their anger with nary a inch on their foreheads moving (10 points each). Kyle told Brandi that she ought to get some class (10), to which Brandi responded that everyone there hated her (5). The final straw was Brandi starting to cry (5) after Kyle delivered the final blow by criticizing her parenting skills (10). This was all too much for poor, weak Taylor, who pleaded with the girls to stop fighting before bursting into tears (5). Later, Camille cried because her mother has cancer (5), making everyone else look like a big pile of idiots.

Survivor: Over on Survivor there were a lot of big game moves made (Ozzy is on the outs with his tribe! Mikayla gets voted out! Cochran is finally a game player!), but unfortunately none of that resulted in many points. The "alliance" parade continued, passing the lips of Mikayla, Christine and Cochran once (5 each) and Keith and Ozzy twice (10 each), but that was about it. 

America's Next Top Model: Remember when we all thought that an All-Star cycle would provide more drama than ever? Boy, were we wrong. The sole points to come out of this week's episode were delivered by Angelea, who upon receiving the accusation that she was a pretty girl but not a model (5) cried not once, but twice (10). I just, I thought there would be so much more weave pulling.

The Biggest Loser: As the men steel themselves for the long training road ahead, we're seeing much less crying. Only Ramon (40) cried twice, and John (20), Antone (20) and Vinny (20) once. Boo! But the ladies turned up much more whiney performances. Jennifer cried three times when she realized that she was a terribly unlikeable person. But it was Sunny who grabbed up all the points this week, taking Bob home with her to Texas where he screamed at her a whopping seven times (35), made her cry twice (10) and finally broke her to the point of her saying that she "needed to be here" (5).

The Real World: Frank finally broke his reign of terror this week, only having one verbal altercation (5) and one same-sex kiss (10). Priscilla was the one that he had the tiff with after a haircut gone bad (5), and she also cried happy tears (5) that she and her mother had the kind of close relationship where they tell each other about their sex lives and hug hips-to-hip while gazing into one another's eyes. Gross. Alex's boo Byron came to visit, finally garnering her some points after all this time. The couple had two arguments (10), resulting in her crying twice (10). But they kissed three times (15), so she felt OK about the relationship by the time he left. However, this week was really the Nate show. He ate some raw fish while on a boat on the ocean, puking twice (40), then he got piss ass drunk not once, but twice (20), and cried (40) about the five suicides that he's "witnessed". (Somehow I don't think he was actually there for his Great Uncles' passings.

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