9:00 AM
Smellin Pooper
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Week 9 Point Totals
Ohhhhh, we're neck-and-neck coming down the home stretch! Let's look at what went down this week.
Now that The Bachelorette is over, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. But alas, not all goodbyes are so happy. We bid adeiu to Basketball Wives this week, and I have to say that I'm going to miss those sassy broads. Little came our ways in terms of points this week -- just a paltry 5 points to Poyer with Evelyn's umpteenth vebal argument with fiance Chad Ochocinco. Even though they go at it, I think these crazy kids might just make it. Certainly, it will end better than Jennifer Williams' disaster divorce from ex Eric. What kind of a man throws a drink in a woman's face. That was some messed up nonsense right there.
Speaking of dousing a woman in something that ought only be used to quench thirst, shit got crazy over on The Challenge: Rivals. The whole gang packed up and flew to Buenes Aires, where tensions between the house and CT and the house and Cara Maria came to their boiling points. First there was a crazy night out at the club where people who make their money from MTV once again proved the worst possible American ambassadors on Earth. There were hookups galore, a confrontation between CT and what's left of the Big Men on Campus. Then, back at the house, Wes decided that as punishment for being "immature" he would dump an entire two-liter bottle of "cola" on Cara Maria's head. After her initial shock she slinked away to her bedroom where I'm sure she immediately regretted applying as much non-waterproof mascara as she did. But partner and newfound-friend Laurel came to her rescue, not only kicking "ginger" Wes out of their bedroom but blasting anyone in her path with verbal assaults that may have crossed the line but which certainly got the job done. So here's how the (many) points were doled out:
Helen's Team:
Wes sucessfully made Cara cry (25), made out with Mandi in the club (5) and got into an argument with Laurel (5). Paula had a three-way kiss with Mandi and Ev, as well as kissing mainstay Mike for a whopping 15 kissing points, cried after being majorly put in her place by Laurel (5) and unintentionally showed more than she anticipated in what can only be described as a ransacking of the beautiful house these heathens were given to live in (5). As mentioned, Mandi netted points for kissing a couple people (10). Tyler also god naked during the ransacking and got in verbal argument action (5) after Laurel got in his good friend Paula's face. I wish there were extra point awarded for attempting to save a piano from getting doused in "cola" because, boy, would Tyler be raking it in. CT avoided physical blows but participated in the verbal beat down in the club (5) in which Bananas also joined in on (5).
Poyer's Team:
Laurel got into verbal fights with Paula, Wes AND Tyler (15) points, and successfully brought Paula to tears (25). Jenn got her kiss on (10), as did Ev at a slower rate (5).
But the big story this week was the inaugural episode of Bachelor Pad. It was everything that I hoped it would be. After our draft last week, I think that both Poyer and I are happy with our choices. First of all, the trainwreck that is Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi being in the same house is panning out quite nicely. Vienna looks to have been bred for reality television participation and Jake is perhaps even more smug than I have ever seen him! Jake only netted 10 points for winning the challenge this week but Vienna proved to be a fantastic first-round draft, pulling in 10 points for arguments, both in a hot tub (10 extra points), intentional nudity pre-coitus (45). Her partner, guarder and protector of everything holy, Kasey Kahl also got points from said coitus (25) and some points from the argument (5) in the hot tub (5). Michelle Money was a little slow coming out of the gate with only 5 verbal argument points. Something tells me her crazy is going to pay off though.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bachelor Pad Draft
The last step in our summer Reality TV Fantasy Draft was drafting from the summer blockbuster STD-fest Bachelor Pad. We were both given the opportunity to draft three players each. Here's how it all went down:
Round One:
Helen:
Vienna Girardi:
Look, I have watched a lot of reality television. And I mean, a LOT. And I think that the televised blow-up between Jake Pavelka and his former reality TV fiance Vienna might be the best thing I have ever seen. Did I mention that he's in the house? And that her current beau, Kasey "Guard and Protect Your Heart/Kermit the Frog" Kahl is there too? Oh yeah, she's a total slutbag who has slept with most of the male Bachelordom population, thus pissing off most of the female Bachelordom population. Get those tears ready, little lady.
Michelle Money:
Poyer is banking on a lot of hookup points from this minx. On her season of The Bachelor (Brad Womack's second go-round) she managed to make absolutely no friends in the house. Now, this could have been from her erratic behavior, the time that she woke up with a mysterious black eye, her constant profession that she wasn't there to make friends, but I happen to think that it's just because she's super foxy and bitches be jealous. She does have that certain something special about her that causes men to slay puppies in order for an opportunity to get near her. Also, cray cray.
Round Two:
Helen:
Jake Pavelka:
Hoping for double argument points I drafted The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love pilot-of-my-heart Jake. I actually really, really dislike this guy. The little Grinch curl in his lips, the way that he smarms his way into conversations. But hey, he makes for good TV. And he has a lot of beef with people in the house, not to mention that the producers love his particular brand of catering to the format so they'll probably find some way to keep him around. Most importantly though, perhaps, is that he's a bedazzled shrug away from performing at my local DipStix so he seems to feel the need to "romance women" in order to prove that he's totally straight.
Poyer:
Michael Stagliano:
I think this best explains the logic behind Poyer's next draft pick...
Beyond the leather jacket, Michael is in the house with his recently broken-up-with fiance. So, that'll be drams.
Round Three:
Helen:
Kirk DeWindt:
I went with the ginger stud himself. Taxidermy and soulessness aside, he seems to have some swag. I think that the ladies will like him enough for hookup points, he's athletic enough to win competitions and he's harmless enough to possibly sail to the end.
Poyer:
Kasey Kahl:
Oh ye, one of the tattoo emabarrassment. Prince of Protection. Your frog voice has spun a million tales of love and loss. If there are points for saying the word protect, I am going to lose this competition. Fuck.
Round One:
Helen:
Vienna Girardi:
Look, I have watched a lot of reality television. And I mean, a LOT. And I think that the televised blow-up between Jake Pavelka and his former reality TV fiance Vienna might be the best thing I have ever seen. Did I mention that he's in the house? And that her current beau, Kasey "Guard and Protect Your Heart/Kermit the Frog" Kahl is there too? Oh yeah, she's a total slutbag who has slept with most of the male Bachelordom population, thus pissing off most of the female Bachelordom population. Get those tears ready, little lady.
Michelle Money:
Poyer is banking on a lot of hookup points from this minx. On her season of The Bachelor (Brad Womack's second go-round) she managed to make absolutely no friends in the house. Now, this could have been from her erratic behavior, the time that she woke up with a mysterious black eye, her constant profession that she wasn't there to make friends, but I happen to think that it's just because she's super foxy and bitches be jealous. She does have that certain something special about her that causes men to slay puppies in order for an opportunity to get near her. Also, cray cray.
Round Two:
Helen:
Jake Pavelka:
Hoping for double argument points I drafted The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love pilot-of-my-heart Jake. I actually really, really dislike this guy. The little Grinch curl in his lips, the way that he smarms his way into conversations. But hey, he makes for good TV. And he has a lot of beef with people in the house, not to mention that the producers love his particular brand of catering to the format so they'll probably find some way to keep him around. Most importantly though, perhaps, is that he's a bedazzled shrug away from performing at my local DipStix so he seems to feel the need to "romance women" in order to prove that he's totally straight.
Poyer:
Michael Stagliano:
I think this best explains the logic behind Poyer's next draft pick...
Round Three:
Helen:
Kirk DeWindt:
I went with the ginger stud himself. Taxidermy and soulessness aside, he seems to have some swag. I think that the ladies will like him enough for hookup points, he's athletic enough to win competitions and he's harmless enough to possibly sail to the end.
Poyer:
Kasey Kahl:
Oh ye, one of the tattoo emabarrassment. Prince of Protection. Your frog voice has spun a million tales of love and loss. If there are points for saying the word protect, I am going to lose this competition. Fuck.
Week 8 Point Totals
Blah, blah, blah, points. All I really cared about this week was that it will probably be the last time that I ever have to watch The Bachelorette. Look, people, this marked our inaugural draft season and we made a few mistakes that we certainly won't be making again: Chief among them was including this god awful show. Never, ever again.
But before it ended, Poyer got some major points out of it. J.P. Rosenbaum was crowned the winner (?) of the whole shebang when Ashley agreed to spend the rest of her miserable self-hating life with him (50 points). The couple also shared two kisses (10 points) and exchanged a gift (10 points).
Over in Celebrity Rehab land, Sugar Kiper is proving to be a very advantageous late-round pickup. She cried 3 times this episode, netting 15 points. Too bad Poyer evened it out with 15 points from Michael Lohan's undelivered upon threat to leave the show.
Jenn from the Challenge behaved the way she usually behaves on these shows: getting pretty drunk (9 points) and yelling at some girl (5 points). Poyer also netted 10 points from Laurel's challenge win. Boo. Lessening those blows were the kissing points I got from Paula (5), the yelling points I got from crazy-ass CT (5), and the double kissing points I got from Wes and Mandi (5 each). And, finally, I bid adieu to perhaps my favorite team member, Jasmine. Thanks for all for the punches, shots, broom closet hookups and goodbye tears (5 points).
Now, let's talk about Basketball Wives. There is some weird shit happening in the water down there in Miami. See, Eric Williams of Jennifer Williams' ex-husband fame, is producing some sort of a motion picture to capture the ever elusive Basketball Wives Fans Who Also Love Action Movies set. And he wants Royce to star in it. And she's actually interested. Welp, there went 10 self-promotion points to Poyer. Thankfully I countered it with a double whammy from Evelyn (5 points for crying and 5 for kissing).
