Thursday, September 15, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

The second episode of the second season of Let's Follow a Bunch of Awful Injectable Faces Around With Cameras had the aforementioned injected faces take some time out of their hectic Beverly Hills existences to jet off to mountainous Beaver Creek, Colo. Let's just pause here and wait for 12-year-old Helen to giggle her pants off about the name of that snowy little town. Anywho, Camille Grammer has a home there that she's invited all of the ladies to stay at. At least, she has the home for the time being. It seems that she'll have to sell a few of her properties (including the mansion on the mountain) given her divorce from the best actor of our time, Kelsey Grammer. And oh, is it a sad occasion. Last week we were privy to the traditional mailing of the ex-wife's shoes from the Hamptons home by the new mistress, and it took a lot out of Camille. This week we see her perusing the Colorado nursery, gyrating on a giant, over-sized teddy bear as some physical measure of her pain and regret. I guess the way that go-go dancers mourn is just different than the rest of us.

But before we rush off to the mountains, the ladies have some last minute business to attend to back in Beverly Hills. Kyle is upgrading her home to something bigger and better. Perhaps Mauricio made a fat commission off of the sales of Kelsey's new love nests, or perhaps the Housewives bug has latched onto the prettier Richards sister and she's spending more than she has. At any rate, the new home is a lot bigger than the old one and requires a decorator. Thankfully Faye Resnick, friend and interior decorator, is on hand to iron out the tough details, like whether or not a pool table ought to be kept in the multi-million dollar house that Mauricio is paying for or relegated to the garage. Of course it gets sent out to the garage, the better to make room for a gaudily framed photo of Kyle and M's wedding or giant, creepy portraits of teenaged actress Kyle.

In other creepy places, Lisa Vanderpump is packing for her ski trip with the help of her Mexican housekeeper. How very Cher of her. Although she is shocked that "Mr. Ken" isn't going on the trip with her (now that I think of it, the two of them really are never apart), she aids in making important decisions, like packing a white, fir-trimmed puff jacket and matching white, furry box hat. Where do these Housewives get these hats and why are there never matching muffs? All packed up, Lisa has just one real goodbye to make, and her send-off to Giggy is full of open-mouth kissing (does that count in our league?!) and mourning the loss of her mini matching outfits.

The last goodbye is between Adrienne and her hubby Paul. Look, maybe it's because I get enough of my own petty bickering at home but when these two come on the screen I just automatically tune them out. More petty arguing, more awful plastic surgery, more glittering hair extensions, packing three bags for a two day trip, blah, blah. Needz moar nose breaking plz.

It's all a pretty lame way to start the episode until Our Lady of Reality TV comes on screen and I rememeber why I watch this show. Kim Richards is an angel, sent to this world to bestow upon all of us laughs and gifs. I can't tell if she's simply always intoxicated or if she's just popped so many pills and been on so many benders that her brain is permanently altered, but boy is she a hoot. She just keeps blabbering on and on at the airport (much to Lisa's chagrin), then boozily hits on some random on the airplane, then blabbers on and on in the limo, putting her ugg-cased feet all over the other ladies and scooting her body into different positions like a 14-year-old girl at a sleepover (much to the chagrin of everyone in the limo). And what is she blabbering on about? Why, the best years of her life. Like many a overly-affected child movie star she's referencing her time at the Disney lot. Is this where Victoria Justice will be in 20 years? Tread warily, Suite Life twins.

After the grueling 4-hour limo ride, the ladies finally make it to Camille's mansion, where two of them have to (gasp!) share a room. Kim and Kyle decide that, since they are sisters, it would make the most sense for them to bunk together and Taylor is left to sleep in the nursery, a bit of fitting/sad/funny poetic justice that leaves me wanting more scenes where Kim is slurring her words. It gets worse the next morning when Taylor awakens before the others, only to find herself up with none other than her enemy Vanderpump. Their verbal exchange is awkward at best, and brings us a scene in which a wistful Taylor recounts that she hasn't slept in decades. When questioned as to why that is, she simply stares off into the distance, recounting all of the mistakes she's made and horrible life mess-ups that can't be covered with a shot of bovine botulism.

And as if the angels have answered my prayers, the next morning (as the ladies are wandering around in various states of pajama and Kim is potentially suffering from a pill/vodka cocktail hangover) a couple of ski concierges (is that how you pluralize that?) show up to the house to get the ladies suited up. Kim sobers up like only a liquor hound cougar can and gets right to making innuendos and shoving her lady bits into some random dude's face. Thank Jesus.

Nothing much of note happens on the actual slopes, except for the fact that--if you're rich--you get warm chocolate chip cookies delivered to you on the slopes.

And then we end on the saddest sad note. Kyle and Taylor have a heart-to-heart in the hot tub where Taylor only vaguely hints at the problems going on in her life and both ladies cry. I cannot and will not say anything funny or mean about this scene. It is distressing in an out of the context of the recent events in Taylor's life, and I am jut happy that Kyle seems to be a genuine, caring friend. Hopefully next time we can end on a funnier note. Needz moar Kim.


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