Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Week 9 Point Totals

Monday, November 7, 2011

Top 5 Gifs From RHOBH Engagement Party

Week 8 Point Totals

Carly had her biggest week ever, guys! Not that it really matters when Jen's still dominating on the strength of a single player. Ugh, at least I'm still in it, right? Here's what went down this week:

Survivor: Making moves, nerd! After the tribes merged Ozzy sent Cochran over to Coach's tribe to root out info from the enemy. Too bad he got spoiled on all of the not-constantly-insulting-him and respectfully-speaking-to-him-like-an-equal nonsense. Given that once one of the tribe gets picked off he'll be at the bottom of the pack anyway, he decided to turn coat and vote Keith onto Redemption Island. Hooray! In between there was much talk of alliances (15 for Cochran) and a little crying on the part of Dawn (15) when she realized that allowing her tribe's abusive treatment of Cochran all these weeks was nothing short of un-Christian-like.

Real World: Frank has a boyfriend, y'all! They've known each other for all of two days but Frank is in lurve and he's showing it by kissing that boy all over the place (80). Zach and Ashley are grossed out because they are bigots. I am grossed out because it means that Jen just got 80 points. Get it in, Frank, just don't let it count toward my losing this game. All in all though, it was a pretty decent episode. Sam cried a few times at Pride (10), got drunk at the clurb (6) and made out with some tattooed chick (10). Nate launched his charity but still found time to get piss drunk three times for the following score totals: (6) (10) (7). That boy might have a problem. 

Biggest Loser: It was an emotional week for the bigguns as they formed new teams. No one wanted to be on Anna's team since she's been doing less than stellar work with the olds but Ramon ended up there, complained, got over it, lost a bunch of weight and then saw "the love of his life" Jessica get sent home. Then he cried (20). John (20) and Sunny (5) also cried, but really, when don't they. Antone got his ass reamed in the gym, getting yelled at by Bob a whole lots (30) and breaking down into exercise tears (20) but dude lost like 17 pounds so I bet he's OK with it.

ANTM: Remember a couple cycles back when Tyra decided she was going to launch a music career and she made the models be her backup dancers. It was awful: The dancing, the music, Tyra and, ultimately, her music career. Well, she's decided that it might be a good idea to let some other tall thin people embarrass themselves by forcing the ladies to write and sing a song, then film a video for it so that it can go viral. Lisa, a "dance music artist" for years, won the song writing challenge by rapping to a music executive and got to see her fiance! He looks pretty normal but she insisted upon wearing sunglasses in their confessional which leads me to believe that he totally brought her some coke or pills or something. At any rate, they totally kissed (5) and did it (25). That's right. DID IT. In less happy news Allison had a hard time with the songwriting challenge, finally deciding to write about her recently deceased father. Then came the bomb that she had to incorporate "Pot Ledom" into the lyrics (Top Model backwards, don't you know?) and she sort of turned into an emotional mess (15). It's OK though, guys, Game fell in love with her at the video shoot. He did not, however, fall in love with Alexandria. He called her the Tin Man and sent her packing. Tears for you, Alexandria (5).

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: When my friends get engaged we go to a bar and take shots. When Lisa Vanderpump's daughter Pandora (that is her real name) gets engaged she has a party in a mansion with camels and secret sex rooms and mermaid women and contortionists and guests who call their husbands Daddy. You know, like you do. Lisa held court over the extravagant party (10), dressed Giggy up (10) and cried for good measure (5). In other storylines Kyle's mother-in-law got a face lift and made me never, ever want to get plastic surgery. Kyle cried (10). Taylor and Russell had a tense ass conversation about a tabloid story about their marriage. Russell thought that Lisa told the story to her pal at the glossy. Taylor cried (5). Kim has a disgusting new boyfriend and continues to gross me out. She kissed him (5) and the producers felt the need to add extra slurping noises (15). Ick.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Week 7 Point Totals

Thankfully Jen had an awful week last week. Finally, something good is happening around here, amirite? Here's how it all went down:

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: After a few weeks of drama due to the Board Game Night From Hell, the ladies are due for some R&R. And what better way to relax than to hire three waiters, four masseuses, an electrolosis machine operator, a facialist and employ more than $300,000 worth of beautification equiptment? In your own home. That's what Lisa did, then invited the other ladies over to enjoy. Needless to say, it was less than relaxing. All of the extravagence caused Kyle to compare her wealth to Adrienne's (10), and Brandi's presense made her argue about the game night (5) and make poor Brandi cry (10). Amazingly enough, Brandi argued (5) and cried twice (10), all without moving her forehead once (10). And I thought Lisa dressing Giggy in clothes at every turn (5) was otherworldly.

Survivor: Big moves were made on the island last week. First Mikayla was defeated by Christine at Redemption Island, shedding a tear as she left (5). Then Ozzy got over his tantrum about Elise being voted out long enough to tell Cochran that he was going to throw himself to the wolves on Redemption Island, hoping to emerge the victor and have his tribe up numbers at the merge. Then Cochran totally blew the challenge, making himself (20) and Dawn (5) cry like babies and Ozzy punch a wall twice (20). After much talk of alliances, the merge and proving oneself (Keith said it once for 5 points), Ozzy had a dream about winning Redemption Island and volunteered himself. What an idiot.

The Biggest Loser: This week the contestants were giving the chance to save everyone on the ranch by losing 100 lbs. collectively. Well, that didn't go so well. I think they hit 40, maybe. Cry count: John (20), Jennifer (20), Ramon (20), Antone (20), Vinny (20), Sunny (10). Jennifer was also a huge baby about having to train with people other than Bob, causing her to get into an argument with Vinny (5 each) and tell people that she wasn't there to make friends (5). Well, after this episode she wasn't there at all. Antone did get to work with Bob though, and even got yelled at by him (15). He also told the crew that he needed to be there (5). But the big story this week was Ramon hooking up with a lady love on campus and netting 10 kissing points.

America's Next Top Model: This show continues to drudge on not doing much of anything. Bianca and Alexandia argued about god knows what (5 points each), and the pair both cried (Bianca twice for 10 and Alex once for 5). That was about all that happened.

The Real World: Look, this week was a comparatively dull one for this crazy ass show. Zach and Ashley were personality-less bigots, but the rest of the house kept their cool most of the time. I would have freaked the fuck out. First, Sam cried when she found out that her friend had gotten into a terrible car accident (5). Then she argued with Zach after he told her that he would "beat the gay out of her." (5 points each. She later cried over it (5) and had a one-sided argument with Frank over what to do about the situation (5). I would have cut the rest of his awful eyebrows off if I were them.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Week 6 Point Totals

Slowly closing the gap on Jen's colossal lead. Slowly. Here's the breakdown:

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: With the conclusion of the Board Game Night from Hell, the ladies finally decided to wrack up some points. Brandi continued her verbal argument (5) with Kim (5) and Kyle (5), though it was mostly Brandi and Kyle, both of which expressed their anger with nary a inch on their foreheads moving (10 points each). Kyle told Brandi that she ought to get some class (10), to which Brandi responded that everyone there hated her (5). The final straw was Brandi starting to cry (5) after Kyle delivered the final blow by criticizing her parenting skills (10). This was all too much for poor, weak Taylor, who pleaded with the girls to stop fighting before bursting into tears (5). Later, Camille cried because her mother has cancer (5), making everyone else look like a big pile of idiots.

Survivor: Over on Survivor there were a lot of big game moves made (Ozzy is on the outs with his tribe! Mikayla gets voted out! Cochran is finally a game player!), but unfortunately none of that resulted in many points. The "alliance" parade continued, passing the lips of Mikayla, Christine and Cochran once (5 each) and Keith and Ozzy twice (10 each), but that was about it. 

America's Next Top Model: Remember when we all thought that an All-Star cycle would provide more drama than ever? Boy, were we wrong. The sole points to come out of this week's episode were delivered by Angelea, who upon receiving the accusation that she was a pretty girl but not a model (5) cried not once, but twice (10). I just, I thought there would be so much more weave pulling.

The Biggest Loser: As the men steel themselves for the long training road ahead, we're seeing much less crying. Only Ramon (40) cried twice, and John (20), Antone (20) and Vinny (20) once. Boo! But the ladies turned up much more whiney performances. Jennifer cried three times when she realized that she was a terribly unlikeable person. But it was Sunny who grabbed up all the points this week, taking Bob home with her to Texas where he screamed at her a whopping seven times (35), made her cry twice (10) and finally broke her to the point of her saying that she "needed to be here" (5).

The Real World: Frank finally broke his reign of terror this week, only having one verbal altercation (5) and one same-sex kiss (10). Priscilla was the one that he had the tiff with after a haircut gone bad (5), and she also cried happy tears (5) that she and her mother had the kind of close relationship where they tell each other about their sex lives and hug hips-to-hip while gazing into one another's eyes. Gross. Alex's boo Byron came to visit, finally garnering her some points after all this time. The couple had two arguments (10), resulting in her crying twice (10). But they kissed three times (15), so she felt OK about the relationship by the time he left. However, this week was really the Nate show. He ate some raw fish while on a boat on the ocean, puking twice (40), then he got piss ass drunk not once, but twice (20), and cried (40) about the five suicides that he's "witnessed". (Somehow I don't think he was actually there for his Great Uncles' passings.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Worst Audition Ever

Top 5 Gifs of Stacey's Redemption Island Meltdown

Week 5 Point Totals

Here's the point rundown:

Survivor: The episode kicked off with Brandon crying (20) about what Mikayla said at Tribal Council. What a big meanie for saying that he was a Hantz and making him cry sad, sad man tears (10). Elyse, Dawn, Whitney and Coach all netted 5 points for uttering "alliance", with the latter also nabbing the hidden immunity idol (25). And finally, Stacey not only delivered the most hilarious stream of conciousness speak at Redemption Island I've ever witnessed (having a one-sided argument with Coach--oops, sorry, Benjamin--in the process (5)) but also generalized that since the members of Coach's alliance were young, they were natural followers (5).

America's Next Top Model: Very few points this week in what was, otherwise, a pretty hilarious episode. Kayla's obvious eating disorder made a guest appearance while she tried to quell dizziness with too many pills and puked it all up (10). And Camille was sent home, but not before she was called "pretty but not a model" twice (10).

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Housewives served up the first of a two-part game night episode in which the ladies pretend to eat and enjoy board games at the ever-desperate Dana's house. She nabbed 10 points by mentioning the Hilton family name during a game of celebrity, as did both Kyle and Kim. Kyle also compared her wealth to that of her hostess (10) and engaged in a verbal argument over whether her sister was really getting high during her frequent trips to the bathroom (5). For her part, Kim was totally intoxicated on something, and I'm guessing it wasn't the coffee that she was drinking (10). So intoxicated, in fact, that she argued (5) without uttering discernible sentences and cried (5).

Biggest Loser: Speaking of water works, The Biggest Loser was reliable as ever in that category. Ramon and Vinny only choked up once each (20), but Antone continued his floodgate opening by crying three times (60), once after being yelled at by Bob (10). Also suffering from the attack were Jennifer (10), who managed to only cry once (10), and John (10), who proved that boys are bigger babies with three cries (60). But the real sad face goes to Sunny (what a joke of a name, amirite?!), who cried a whopping five times this episode (25).

The Real World: Remember when I said that Frank was the best draft pick possible? Well, here's why: After getting drunk at the gay club (6) he brought a dude home and kissed him three times (30) and had sex with him in his bed, the hot tub and the shower (75). After his roommates yelled at him for leaving a used condom in the shower (10) and slept in a hammock outside rather than bunking in the same room as him, he decided to get more wasted than I've seen anyone on television in a while (10), arguing with his roomie Nate (5) engaging him physically twice (50) and punching or destroying no less than nine objects (90) before curling up into a fetal position (15) and telling his roommates that he was going to leave (15). Oh, and he also cries three times (60). That made all of his roommates' efforts look like small potatoes. Certainly Nate arguing (5), fighting twice (50), getting piss ass drunk himself (9), and engaging in a little nookie himself (25). Which all looks pretty pathetic until you check out Zach, who's finally on the board with a measly 10 points from questioning Frank's cleanliness, Priscilla got cried twice for 10 points, or Sam with her 10 girl-on-girl kissing points.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Week 4 Point Totals

Monday, October 3, 2011

Survivor Episode 3 Gif Party

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Real World: San Diego Episode 1 Gif Party

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Week 3 Fall Point Totals

And just as I suspected, The Real World is a game changer. Let's do a show breakdown, shall we?

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Brandi Glanville was introduced this episode, and as we've seen in previews, her presence is going to earn a lot of people a lot of points. Just not this episode. The only person who did drum up any kind of response on the scoreboard was Kyle, who mentioned her charity work (10), threw an extravagant party (10)--even if it was in the back of a mall--compared her wealth to another cast member's (10), and mentioned the Hilton name by referencing niece Paris' perfume (10).

The Biggest Loser: What a house full of cry babies, amirite? This week we got our first food challenge binge. The culprit was mini donuts, and at 30 calories a piece contestants might have gotten away with competing without totally going overboard. Except that John took the opportunity to eat upwards of 1,300 calories worth. That's a whole lotta binge (5).  Lucky for Team We Need to Be Here, he cried about it. Twice. (40) Ramon also eeked out a few tears (20), as did Antone (20), who has turned into a veritable crying machine. He's so unstable, in fact, that he took out his emotion after being yelled at by Bob (5) on a poor stationary bike, shaking it so hard that he fell off of it (25) and crashed into poor Sunny, causing her to fall off of her own bike (25). Gosh, Sunny. Maybe that's why you cried twice (10).

Survivor: The island of misfit toys is still providing a steady stream of points from saying the word alliance Ozzy, Keith and Brandon said it once (5 points each)--Brandon while he yelled at Mikayla that she didn't "have much of an alliance at all," basically outing his own. That made Coach (part of the aforementioned alliance) to get all paranoid and say the word twice (10). Before making his trip to Redemption Island, and after running through the jungle in his underwear like a crazed 4-year-old, Papa Bear got into an argument with seemingly everyone at tribal council and yet, no one at all (5). Semhar wept after losing the first Redemption Island challenge despite the recitation of some "calming" poetry (5). But the real story of the episode was the continued craziness of Brandon, who decided to call a tribe meeting after Mikayla asked why in the world he would want her voted off so badly (spoiler alert: it's because he's an insane, sexually repressed religious fanatic) and proceeded to tell her that no one liked her and she was on the outside of a dominant alliance of which he was a part. This caused both Brandon and Mikayla to cry (20 for him, 5 for her) with added points for Brandon being the reason that Mikayla cried (10) and Mikayla curling up into the fetal position while she wept (15). Have I mentioned that I hate that dude?

America's Next Top Model: Finally! A legit photo shoot! Unfortunately, a decent photo shoot with good results make for little to no drama. At least Angelea decided to get into an argument with no one in the limo (5). Bre needed to smize (5). And Bianco decided to cry after having to wear stilts (5). How is an All-Stars cycle so lame?

The Real World: If this premiere was any indication, this season is going to be amazing. Let's do a rundown of the cast members. There's Ashley, the underwear "model" who has so far talked about modeling (15) and how pretty she is, and who went topless in the house in the first episode (20). Priscilla, the 19-year-old whose mom dropped her off at the house after talked to her graphically about having sex on her grandmother's couch. This chick couldn't go out with the rest of the group, so she made out with roomie Nate (5--with an extra 15 for doing it in the first two days). That made her cry (5), but she got over it by showing off her grandparent-purchased fake boobies to the whole house (20). Alexandria rounds out the three-bed girls' room, a seemingly cool chick who's a singer (15) and has a boyfriend who she cried while leaving (5). But those aren't the only girls in the house. Sam, the lesbian whom everyone thought was a boy at first, might be annoying or she might be cool... I'm not sure. I am sure that she was drunk the second night out (7). On the boy side there's Zach, who is really hot and really douchey--and doesn't do anything to earn points. Nate, his brother in bro-hood, hooked up with Priscilla (5--and an extra 15 for doing it in the first two days). But the ultimate creep prize goes to Frank the bisexual creeper who becomes so obsessesed with Alex in the two day that he's met her that he won't allow her to talk to any other men and punches a wall when she politely remind him that she has a boyfriend (10). Hey, if both intentional (20) and unintentional nudity (10) haven't worked, if two nights of being wasted (4 and 8 points respectively), and if crying (20) hasn't made the totally balanced girl fall in love with your crazy ass in two days, why not call home and tell your BFF that no one in the house likes you (5)?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Ep. 3 Recap

When last we left off Kim was drooling half-words all over a phone that Adrienne was on the other end of. She's lost her power and she was sorry and she needed to look nice to bang basketball players. I'm not actually sure what she was saying, but I'd be willing to bet that she's been taking whatever she takes for long enough that if she were given equal tranq dosage as Secretariat, the horse would go down first.

Adrienne and Paul are still waiting at the airpot, sitting in their chartered private jet and asking a still unintelligible Kim (who is still asking who's calling--don't you have her number saved in your phone?) how long it will take her to get there. She responds 15 minutes, to which I would reply, "Hell no, bitch. I'm playing for this flying metal machine by the hour." But they wait for her, I'm sure prodded by the Bravo producers, and she obligingly puts on a show when she arrives.

She attempts to re-tell the story of blubbering Taylor on Scary Mountain, which now includes details of T-Town in only a thong and bra, sobbing and dry-humping a mid-sleep Kim. Don't worry. Kim demonstrates. And Adrienne really wants Paul to listen to all of this, but let's face it. It took a couple rewinds for me to understand, and Paul's really just worried about the fine people of Sacramento throwing something at his face and messing up that plastic surgery he paid so much for, so he's having none of it.

Anywho, they get the the Maloof Entertainent Castle of Basketball and there's a smattering of (non-white) folks protesting the potential move out of Sacramento. And Adrienne's whining about how she feels bad about the move. In fact, her own kids ask her when they'll be going to Sacramento next. But rich lady, I gotta say: Your kid asking when you'll charter a private jet to sit in a luxury box and watch the game is a bit different than an already low-income city wondering how it'll handle having 10,000 more people out of work in a double-dip recession. But that's just me, spewing reason again. Adrienne doesn't get that her pain is not the same as the hot dog stand guy's pain and she moans her sad moan while Paul rubs her Louboutin-clad foot.

After a couple of sporatic yells and Paul getting hit in the ear by a guy who seemed to have accidentally bumped him while gesticulating his point, the Nassif-Maloofs and their pill-popping little Hilton friend find themselves in their luxury box. Kim is droning on and on about nipples and cigar bars and really anything but basketball. Paul is pissed. And I would be too. Why don't you just wear a pink jersey you no-game-watching blabber mouth. Adrienne and Paul, on the other hand, are ultra fans. They want to go down on the floor. But it's too dangerous, says Adrienne's personal bodyguard (yes, she has one of those), so they come up with a plan to stand in the team's tunnel. And there they go to attract lots of attention from a single lady who wants Adrienne's picture. She, too, should be wearing a pink jersey so as to be better identified as a lame by people like me.

The highlight of this scene, and those as they leave, is Kim. Delighted that someone is paying attention to her--even if that might mean getting a beer or two poured on her. She's blowing kisses and yelling that she loves people and cheering at a game that she clearly doesn't understand, but in the haze of the pills and limelight and the artificial love from a screaming crowd it almost feels like childhood. It almost feels like home.

Back in Beverly Hills the other girls are also providing us with ridiculous moments of rich people nonsense. Kyle is planning a charity event for kids with cancer but she's worried that no one is going to show up. Maybe it's because her "Ladysitter" Justin seems really incompetent. Maybe it's because she's a grown ass adult with something called a Ladysitter. At any rate she's still freaking when her friend comes over to ask who her MC is going to be. GASP! It's going to be Kyle, which apparently is hot mess city in Beverly Hills. Not hot mess city? Kyle's closet, which my Manhattanite ass wants to curl up and die in. It's a-mah-zing.

Mid-charity party planning Taylor comes over to discuss a recent story about her marriage that's been leaked to the press. She says it like it's some kind of real press, but it's, which is Willa Ford to US Weekly's Britney Spears. Not really even that good. Maybe the boyish one in Dream. Anywho, she's super flustered and refusing to eat (shocker!) because the content in the article is a direct reflection of the craziness that happened on Scary Mountain. And because it couldn't have been any of the other Housewives or any number of Bravo production staff that may have been privy to this bizarro behavior, Taylor is convinced it must have been Lisa.

The Vanderpumpstress is dealing with some drama all on her own. Over at Villa Blanca she's had to replace Cedric, who was so camera friendly with Steven, who is possibly more awkward than Camille fist-bumping a surf shop owner. Cedric this and Cedric that and Lisa still isn't over it.

Well, Kyle's charity event happens. She can't have it at her house for some reason so her friend who owns a restaurant at the back of a mall offers to hold it there. It's a kind gesture but it is followed by this comment from Lisa when she shows up: “It wasn’t the normal Beverly Hills charity event. It was at some godforsaken place at the back of a mall.” Kind and open heart, that one.

Kim's not there because she's "tired after her trip to Sacramento" and Camille is in Hawaii with the kids, but all of the other ladies show up--and more! Taylor's brought pal Dana Wilkey who seems to have big boobs without the help of a knife or surgery. Lisa won't stop pestering Taylor about her extreme weight loss and her fragile emotional state, and it may come out with all the grace of nancy Grace doing the Viennese Waltz, but I think it comes from the right place. Lisa's right, she's not Taylor's best friend. But if she's the only person around her who will ask the tough questions in order to look out for her overall well-being, maybe Taylor should start questioning the people she surrounds herself with. Real friends don't need to sign confidentiality agreements.

The big story is the introduction of Brandi Glanville, friend of Adrienne and ex-wife of "actor" Eddie Cibrian. You may know her from her bitter Twitter feud with new wife LeAnn Rimes, or perhaps from the RHOBH previews in which Kim calls her a slut pig. Either way, she's a true delight. She shows up to the party at least six inches taller than all of the other girls. She's wearing platform shoes on a leg with a cast on it--an injury that was the result of too-high heels. And she's just working the room like a girl who knows that fresh, young, tall, thin blood is really the last thing that these women need in their lives. Lisa automatically hates her because she's seen "photos in the press" of her hanging out with Cedric. This lady is too damn old to still care about such petty things. And the other girls hate her ostensively because she's hurting Lisa by being friends with Cedric (to which Paul sums up my feelings by saying "who gives a shit?") but more likely because she's tall and thin and blonde.

Guess what? I like Brandi so far. In talking about the divorce she delivered this line: “I was married to the #1 douchebag of all time, his name—I’m just kidding… no, not really—Eddie Cibrian. He’s an actor. 'Actor.' He’s really good looking, that’s what he does." And it's true, because I bothered to watch The Playboy Club this weekend. I love that she compelled the other girls to gossip and laugh at her in a corner. I love that sad, self-esteem barren Taylor immediately loved her because the two of them look like Skelator. And I love that she will provide a lot of drama for a lot of episodes to come.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 4 Trailer!

Hallelujah! A teaser for season four of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is finally upon us!

Looks like all of the ladies are back and so are the Herve Leger knockoffs they seem to love so much. Hey, somebody's gotta raise the bebe stock in the Kardashian and Basketball Wives off-season. I can't wait to see single Nene and pregnant Kim--how is this ish gonna stop smoking--and I really hope that Kandi gets that weave under control.
 Watch the teaser, below!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

This Week's Superlatives

Biggest Cry Babies: The cast of The Biggest Loser.

Most Disgusting Image: Lisa from America's Next Top Model using her hands to shove a hot dog and relish into her open mouth--full of aforementioned hot dog and relish.

Biggest Understatement: Survivor's Coach on Creeper of the Century Brandon Hantz: "He's got demons." You think?

Best Dancer: Vinny from The Biggest Loser.

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