Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Player Profile: Sean Young

When drafting for a reality TV fantasy league, one approaches his picks like any good baseball or football fantasy league player.

1. Review past performance
2. Read scouting reports
3. Predict behaviors based upon those around the player

After careful contemplation, Sean Young seemed like a bit of a no-brainer. But for those people younger than 30 or not possessing the pop-culture knowledge of a savant, she may not seem familiar at all. Here's a quick refresher course.

Sean was born in 1959 in Kentucky, attended school in Cleveland Heights (which is a pretty awful place for anyone wanting to get more out of their life than working at a Piggly Wiggly). But Sean was tall and pretty and had ambition, so she became a dancer and a model and then broke through into films. By the early '80s, she landed the lead role in Blade Runner.

For those of you not in the know, it's a dystopian futuristic flick starring Harrison Ford, which is now mostly remembered by hipsters throwing theme parties and trying to be cool.

After that there were a string of hits: Dune, where everyone got high on something called spice and had crazy blue eyes, and No Way Out, where Kevin Costner did Salt better than Angelina Jolie did Salt, and Sean played a sexy affair-time lover.

And then the crazy times started. Sean was cast as Michael Douglas' wife in Wall Street. It was, reportedly, a pretty meaty role. But Sean and director Oliver Stone butted heads. He haaaaaated her, and he cut the part significantly, reportedly sending her on her merry way, unceremoniously having some underling just drop her off at a train station.

The next year she starred in The Boost, a forgettable flick co-starring James Woods. That's when shit really went south. See, there was supposedly some flirtation going on between the two and it didn't pan out--in the worst possible way. According to James, Sean got mad about the whole thing and went a little cray cray, eventually leaving a mutilated baby doll of his stoop. Um... that is pretty insane. James and his fiancee sued Sean, and Sean said that the whole thing was about her rejecting James' advances.

This turned out to be the beginning in a long string of career and life setbacks. She lost the role of Tess Trueheart in Dick Tracey to Madonna--he said she wasn't maternal enough for the role, she (again) said that he wanted to start a relationship and he declined. She got lead female role in Batman but lost it when she fell off of a horse and injured herself. This devastated her. So when the sequel rolled around, she dressed up as Catwoman and moseyed on down to the studio lot.

Then, about 15 years of radio silence. Her career stalled. She moved out of Hollywood. She had failed attempts to sneak into Vanity Fair Oscar after-parties and showed up drunk to awards shows.

After years of drowning her sorrows in alcohols (an even an appearance on Skating With the Stars), she's seeking help with Dr. Drew on national television.

Week Six Point Totals

Finally, this is a real game! At one time there was a 300-point difference between the competitors and now there are only 100!  Here's how this week changed things.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Challenge: Rivals Episode 5 Gif Party!

The Challenge: Rivals Episode 4 Gif Party!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Two Bachelors Added to Now-Complete 'Bachelor Pad' Cast

And the cast list is finally up! Joining the rest of the crazies on Bachelor Pad  this summer are two rejects from the current season of The Bachelorette, which I like to lovingly call, The Bachelorette: So Boring I Stopped Watching It, Shh Don't Tell.

Anywho, here are the two new guys:

Blake Julian:

This guy managed to be so forgettable that I thought I'd never seen him before. I was seriously like, "Is that the guy in apartment 52? Is he the guy in ad sales who eats Pringles?" Then I remembered that he was one of the few people to make Grant say, "Hell yeah, I would leave too" in the middle of a ridiculously bad reality TV show. After Ashley told the guys about still having unresolved feelings for Bentley for the umpteenth time, Blake had had just about enough. He rode away in a dragon pontoon while the rest of the guys ran to an overlooking balcony, weeping and proclaiming their undying love and adoration. It was awesome.

Ames Brown: 

There are lots of different kinds of douches in the world. There's the former high school athlete douche. There's the trying desperately to appear straight douche. And then there's the Connecticut-born portfolio manager douche. This particular genus isn't usually found in the world of reality TV; these guys don't need money, have localized fame because of their trust funds and have trouble breathing anyplace west of Pennsylvania or anywhere between 14th and 67th street on the Isle of Manhattan. Alas, Ames somehow found himself on The Bachelorette. He was stilted and awkward and got punched the fuck out during that boxing match fight. And finally, he was dumped by Ashley for a lack of sexual chemistry. He may be gay. He may be a ball of wax and platitudes and injectibles sort of molded into something resembling a human being. But he may also be just the right blend of inoffensive and athletic to make in far in the Bachelor Pad house.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Week Five Point Totals

How am I still losing so badly at this game. It seems that in this game that combines sports and television, sports knowledge is more important? Ugh. Here are the point breakdowns for this week.

The Challenge: Laurel netted Poyer 20 points for getting naked with partner Cara Maria. But CT came back fighting with his own 20 naked points. The other peg in this annoying love triangle, Mandi, also got 5 points for unintentional nudity. Paula Walnuts kissed Ty, who is just the worst, so she got 5 points. But seriously, can she just get it in with Mike Mike already? Please?

Celebrity Rehab: Steven Adler was a an acquisition made out of assumption that he would scream at people and make them cry. Finally, some pay off. He earned 25 points for trying (and succeeding) at making Amy Fisher cry. Sean Young is a real crying machine, pulling out the waterworks three time for 15 points. I drafted Sugar Kiper just for her girl crying, and she paid off with 15 crying points.
After a hallmark week last week, Michael Lohan got only 10 points for puking. Yuck.

The Bachelorette: J.P. open-mouth kissed Ashley and got 5 points, as did Constantine.  But the real Bachelorette points came from Ryan P., earned 20 points for male crying after Ashley effectually told him that she thought he was gay. No girl feels comfortable enough telling you that there is absolutely NO sexual chemistry with you unless she thinks you're not interested in vaginas anyway. I mean, unless that girl is me and that guy is anyone hitting on me ever. Seriously, I'm very awkward and have no filter.

Week Four Point Totals

At this point, Poyer's lead seems almost insurmountable. This lame point week sure didn't help.

Celebrity Rehab started and there were some real winners right out of the gate. No one drafted Amy Fisher, which seems like a big misstep in retrospect. That chick is a hot mess. Michael Lohan knows exactly what he needs to do to get screen time and he did a little crocodile tearing right away. But, it's not the emotion we count, but the eyeball liquid so Poyer got a fat 20 points for male crying. Bai Ling is a cuckoo banana. She cried (twice, eliciting 10 points for Poyer), blessed the rehab facility with a candle ceremony, slinked around like a sad baby cat and crawled onto the mother fucking roof. Sean Young picked up a measly 5 points for crying BUT she seems to be a bit cray cray and might earn some more down the road.

On The Challenge we had a mild week compared to the previous couple. Lauren got 10 points for winning the elimination challenge. C.T. got back to his old, crazy self by screaming (twice-10 points) at Wes at threatening to eat his face. To be fair, CT thought that Wes was threatening to "take butter off of his family's table." Wes retaliated once, earning his own 5 points.

The Bachelorette is taking the week off and Basketball Wives gave us absolutely nothing. Here's hoping that next week is more eventful.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Challenge Episode 3 Gif Party

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