Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Ep. 3 Recap

When last we left off Kim was drooling half-words all over a phone that Adrienne was on the other end of. She's lost her power and she was sorry and she needed to look nice to bang basketball players. I'm not actually sure what she was saying, but I'd be willing to bet that she's been taking whatever she takes for long enough that if she were given equal tranq dosage as Secretariat, the horse would go down first.

Adrienne and Paul are still waiting at the airpot, sitting in their chartered private jet and asking a still unintelligible Kim (who is still asking who's calling--don't you have her number saved in your phone?) how long it will take her to get there. She responds 15 minutes, to which I would reply, "Hell no, bitch. I'm playing for this flying metal machine by the hour." But they wait for her, I'm sure prodded by the Bravo producers, and she obligingly puts on a show when she arrives.

She attempts to re-tell the story of blubbering Taylor on Scary Mountain, which now includes details of T-Town in only a thong and bra, sobbing and dry-humping a mid-sleep Kim. Don't worry. Kim demonstrates. And Adrienne really wants Paul to listen to all of this, but let's face it. It took a couple rewinds for me to understand, and Paul's really just worried about the fine people of Sacramento throwing something at his face and messing up that plastic surgery he paid so much for, so he's having none of it.

Anywho, they get the the Maloof Entertainent Castle of Basketball and there's a smattering of (non-white) folks protesting the potential move out of Sacramento. And Adrienne's whining about how she feels bad about the move. In fact, her own kids ask her when they'll be going to Sacramento next. But rich lady, I gotta say: Your kid asking when you'll charter a private jet to sit in a luxury box and watch the game is a bit different than an already low-income city wondering how it'll handle having 10,000 more people out of work in a double-dip recession. But that's just me, spewing reason again. Adrienne doesn't get that her pain is not the same as the hot dog stand guy's pain and she moans her sad moan while Paul rubs her Louboutin-clad foot.

After a couple of sporatic yells and Paul getting hit in the ear by a guy who seemed to have accidentally bumped him while gesticulating his point, the Nassif-Maloofs and their pill-popping little Hilton friend find themselves in their luxury box. Kim is droning on and on about nipples and cigar bars and really anything but basketball. Paul is pissed. And I would be too. Why don't you just wear a pink jersey you no-game-watching blabber mouth. Adrienne and Paul, on the other hand, are ultra fans. They want to go down on the floor. But it's too dangerous, says Adrienne's personal bodyguard (yes, she has one of those), so they come up with a plan to stand in the team's tunnel. And there they go to attract lots of attention from a single lady who wants Adrienne's picture. She, too, should be wearing a pink jersey so as to be better identified as a lame by people like me.

The highlight of this scene, and those as they leave, is Kim. Delighted that someone is paying attention to her--even if that might mean getting a beer or two poured on her. She's blowing kisses and yelling that she loves people and cheering at a game that she clearly doesn't understand, but in the haze of the pills and limelight and the artificial love from a screaming crowd it almost feels like childhood. It almost feels like home.

Back in Beverly Hills the other girls are also providing us with ridiculous moments of rich people nonsense. Kyle is planning a charity event for kids with cancer but she's worried that no one is going to show up. Maybe it's because her "Ladysitter" Justin seems really incompetent. Maybe it's because she's a grown ass adult with something called a Ladysitter. At any rate she's still freaking when her friend comes over to ask who her MC is going to be. GASP! It's going to be Kyle, which apparently is hot mess city in Beverly Hills. Not hot mess city? Kyle's closet, which my Manhattanite ass wants to curl up and die in. It's a-mah-zing.

Mid-charity party planning Taylor comes over to discuss a recent story about her marriage that's been leaked to the press. She says it like it's some kind of real press, but it's Hollywoodlife.com, which is Willa Ford to US Weekly's Britney Spears. Not really even that good. Maybe the boyish one in Dream. Anywho, she's super flustered and refusing to eat (shocker!) because the content in the article is a direct reflection of the craziness that happened on Scary Mountain. And because it couldn't have been any of the other Housewives or any number of Bravo production staff that may have been privy to this bizarro behavior, Taylor is convinced it must have been Lisa.

The Vanderpumpstress is dealing with some drama all on her own. Over at Villa Blanca she's had to replace Cedric, who was so camera friendly with Steven, who is possibly more awkward than Camille fist-bumping a surf shop owner. Cedric this and Cedric that and Lisa still isn't over it.

Well, Kyle's charity event happens. She can't have it at her house for some reason so her friend who owns a restaurant at the back of a mall offers to hold it there. It's a kind gesture but it is followed by this comment from Lisa when she shows up: “It wasn’t the normal Beverly Hills charity event. It was at some godforsaken place at the back of a mall.” Kind and open heart, that one.

Kim's not there because she's "tired after her trip to Sacramento" and Camille is in Hawaii with the kids, but all of the other ladies show up--and more! Taylor's brought pal Dana Wilkey who seems to have big boobs without the help of a knife or surgery. Lisa won't stop pestering Taylor about her extreme weight loss and her fragile emotional state, and it may come out with all the grace of nancy Grace doing the Viennese Waltz, but I think it comes from the right place. Lisa's right, she's not Taylor's best friend. But if she's the only person around her who will ask the tough questions in order to look out for her overall well-being, maybe Taylor should start questioning the people she surrounds herself with. Real friends don't need to sign confidentiality agreements.

The big story is the introduction of Brandi Glanville, friend of Adrienne and ex-wife of "actor" Eddie Cibrian. You may know her from her bitter Twitter feud with new wife LeAnn Rimes, or perhaps from the RHOBH previews in which Kim calls her a slut pig. Either way, she's a true delight. She shows up to the party at least six inches taller than all of the other girls. She's wearing platform shoes on a leg with a cast on it--an injury that was the result of too-high heels. And she's just working the room like a girl who knows that fresh, young, tall, thin blood is really the last thing that these women need in their lives. Lisa automatically hates her because she's seen "photos in the press" of her hanging out with Cedric. This lady is too damn old to still care about such petty things. And the other girls hate her ostensively because she's hurting Lisa by being friends with Cedric (to which Paul sums up my feelings by saying "who gives a shit?") but more likely because she's tall and thin and blonde.


Guess what? I like Brandi so far. In talking about the divorce she delivered this line: “I was married to the #1 douchebag of all time, his name—I’m just kidding… no, not really—Eddie Cibrian. He’s an actor. 'Actor.' He’s really good looking, that’s what he does." And it's true, because I bothered to watch The Playboy Club this weekend. I love that she compelled the other girls to gossip and laugh at her in a corner. I love that sad, self-esteem barren Taylor immediately loved her because the two of them look like Skelator. And I love that she will provide a lot of drama for a lot of episodes to come.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 4 Trailer!



Hallelujah! A teaser for season four of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is finally upon us!

Looks like all of the ladies are back and so are the Herve Leger knockoffs they seem to love so much. Hey, somebody's gotta raise the bebe stock in the Kardashian and Basketball Wives off-season. I can't wait to see single Nene and pregnant Kim--how is this ish gonna stop smoking--and I really hope that Kandi gets that weave under control.
 Watch the teaser, below!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

This Week's Superlatives

Biggest Cry Babies: The cast of The Biggest Loser.

video

Most Disgusting Image: Lisa from America's Next Top Model using her hands to shove a hot dog and relish into her open mouth--full of aforementioned hot dog and relish.


Biggest Understatement: Survivor's Coach on Creeper of the Century Brandon Hantz: "He's got demons." You think?



Best Dancer: Vinny from The Biggest Loser.


Friday, September 23, 2011

Week 2 Fall Point Totals


There were some major leaps this week and some big falls. One thing's for sure: The Real World is going to turn this all on its tail. Here's the show breakdown:

Survivor: If there were points awarded for being the world's creepiest potential sexual predator, Keepin' It Classy would be killing it. Unfortunately Brandon was only good for using the word alliance three times (15). That was a popular point-getter this week. Coach and Jim each said it once (5) and Keith twice (10). Coach also got unintentional nudity points, as did Mikayla (10 each). But it Brandon's to be believed she was trying to lure him in with her harlot ways. Give it up Hantz, you're a midget and she's a lingere football player. There's no way she would ever be interested in you. And finally, Ozzy found the hidden immunity idol (are they even trying to hide them anymore?!), fetching 25 points for himself.

America's Next Top Model: I still am a little unclear as to the point of this season. They're clearly not operating under the guise of actually being models and now they're "teaching them about branding" by having some vaguely European guy give them each a word with which they should use to determine "every thing that they say and every piece of clothing that they put on." The words are things like "free" and "girlfriend." I just, I don't get it. So this week they had to do a photo shoot where they wore gowns and ate Pinks hotdogs, all while somehow projecting their word. It didn't work out so well for my girl Sheena, who was told by both a contestant and Tyra that she was a "pretty girl but not a model" (20). Bre had a hard time with the pre-photo shoot makeovers (with which Ashlee Simpson [no longer Wentz] was inexplicably involved) and cried (5) before threatening to leave (15). On the other hand, Bianca seemed to be having a fine time with the branding concept, taking the reigns of her "candid" brand and immediately getting into a verbal altercation with anything or anyone she could (5).

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Scary mountain continued. Camille did the seemingly impossible and threw and extravagant party within an extravagant party--who needs three chefs to cook dinner for six women? (10). Lisa dressed Giggy up as Ken trotted around with him at one of their fab restaurants (5). We heard Kim on the other end of a cell phone conversation in which she could barely string together words she was so intoxicated (8). Taylor had an intoxicated evening of her own (5), getting angry without moving her forehead (10) and crying a total of five times! (25)


The Biggest Loser: Look, guys. We all made a major misstep in not drafting more players from this show. These chubbos will cry--regardless of sex--will cry about anything and everything. And that can add up to a lot of points. Becky cried three times (15), and rightfully so, as her father passed away while she was at camp, causing her to dedicate her weight loss to him (10). Vinny cried once (20), Ramon twice (40), Patrick twice (40), Antone four times (80), Debbie twice (10), John once (20) and Jennifer once (5). Clearly, it pays to have an emotional male player. Debbie also got into a verbal altercation, accusing her teammate of putting on the waterworks for sympathy (5). (Lady, everyone's voting you out because you're a lazy complainer.) And finally, Antone fell off of his treadmill (25), proving that he is both emotionally and physically unstable. If we gave points for being both super hot and super scary, new trainer Dolvett would be winning this whole thing.

Survivor Episode 2 Gif Party


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Top 5 Gifs from Kim's Napkin Magic on RHOBH

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 2 Recap

Apparently our movie this week is Return to Witch Mountain, starring none other than Kim Richards. The ladies are still in Beaver Creek (tee-hee!) and after a long day of skiing, hitting on random dudes and chocolate chip cookie deliveries, it's time for three personal chefs to whip up a little something for these ladies to not nibble on.

But, as with all of the dinner parties in this franchise, something goes terribly awry. First Kyle stumbles upon Taylor and Kim having a heart-to-heart, apparently one that was sprung upon Kim when she was trying to nap after a long day of the aforementioned flirting and cookies. See, Taylor has had a few cocktails and I don't care how much these ladies hem and haw over how the altitude is affecting her, bitch doesn't eat. You need a good pre-game bowl of pasta to soak up all of that wine, lady. Even amateurs know that. So, it's bad.

She's doing crazy drunk girl things like laying on beds half-naked talking about her childhood, dislocating people's arms to pull them into a room for primping advice, falling into suitcases and simply not getting up, initiating a man-hunt for a makeup bag she's convinced was stolen, and screaming at everyone that she doesn't want to deal with this bullshit. So, basically a normal Friday night for me.

What gets me is that everyone's just like, "OK, woman who probably ought to be locked in a closet until she sobers up, let's just throw some mascara on you and get on with this dinner party." They make her come downstairs and it vascilates between really funny and really sad. They try to get her to eat something and she launches into a Kathleen Turner impression saying "Tuna Teeeeeerrrrrrr Taaaaahhhhhrrrrrr." (funny) And then she straight out tells Lisa that she never eats. (sad) The chefs create the world's most awkward moment by barging into a heated discussion about Taylor's failing marriage and giving one of those long-winded descriptions of the fancy carrot soup they made like you see in Hell's Kitchen. (funny) Taylor collapses into tears as she laments the dissolution of Camille's marriage. (sad) Kim attempts to exorcise Taylor's sad demons by using her napkin like a teenager's beach towel and smacking it at her as she yells "Bam! I'm gonna make magic on her! Bam! She's all better!" (funny) And then, after alluding to Taylor's physical abuse, Lisa asks her whether or not she really thinks that she deserves to be treated better. And sad, sad Taylor simply answers that she doesn't think that she does. (so, so beyond fucking sad)

Thank god the trip ends there and we don't have to remind ourselves of the awful things that have since happened in Taylor's life. The rest of the episode is sort of a wash. Kyle and Mauricio go out to dinner and continue to be the cutest couple on the show, later proving that they also make the world's most adorable children--in this case a Curly Sue who likes to pick up dog shit. (And even that is cute!) Ken and Lisa want to expand their restaurant; I took a nap. Camille once again discusses the end of her marriage while lounging on her palatial estate. The best part of this scene is when her friend blatently highlights Camille's real priorities by saying, "If you took away all the houses and the lifestyle… what do you miss the most?" I died. And Paul and Adrienne squabble some more. God, these two.

We have to wait until the end of the episode for the next good thing to happen. Adrienne and Paul invite Kim on their private jet to view the last Sacramento Kings game. When they get to the airport they call Kimmy dear and the following exchange takes place. It looks like Taylor's not the only one getting Ramotional.

Kim: Hello?
Adrienne: Kiiiiim!
Kim: Yeah.
Adrienne: Hey, it’s Adrienne.
Kim: Who?
Adrienne: Kim?
Kim: Who is this?
Adrienne: It’s Adrienne.
Kim: Who?
Paul: Kim—
Kim: —I don’t have time for this, who is this?—
Paul: It’s Paul and Adrienne.
Kim: ...Oh, my god. Adrienne I’m so sorry.
Adrienne: That’s OK, honey.
Kim: My power went out and I would never do this to you guys, I feel so bad. I’m so excited to go with you guys today. And that’s fine. There’s a prob—. I really feel bad. I’m so excited to go with you guys. I loooooove you guys, and I feel horrible. I just feel terrible. I’m really terrible. And I just feel horrible. But I’m rushing, rushing, rushing. And I’ll be there, literally, like, I’m leaving here in 10 minutes. I’m so sorry.
Adrienne: Kim, it’s OK, honey.
Kim: Cause, you know, it’s a nice airport and I love the planes over there, so, you know… still, it’s not cool and I just…
Adrienne: Oh, it’s alright, seriously. It’s OK.
Kim: Oh, I was ready to throw my hair in a ponytail wet. And then I thought, “No way! In the middle of the Sacramento King guys?!” And then I’m like, you know, “Oh my god, I gotta do something.”

**incoherent mumbling**

Phone call ends.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Last Week's Superlatives

Look-alike of the Week:

Dawn from Survivor and the troll from the troll meme fame.


Most Anticipated Show:

The Real World, of course! This looks to be a group of absolute train wrecks. Let the drama begin!


Best Collection of Jumpsuits:

Sheena from America's Next Top Model. Even Andre Lean Talley agrees: sister, you look fab in a onesie. Dat ass!



Biggest Fall:

Antone on The Biggest Loser. Look at that chubby bunny go down!




Born to be a Reality TV Star Award:

Jim from Survivor. He managed to get into a fight with another castaway, lie about his occupation, garner more airtime than even the returning cast members and talk about how hot the ladies were, all while acting totes gay.


Least Single:

Camille Grammer, who recently announced that she's been dating a "normal guy" for about two months. Hope she doesn't spill the beans on this one's sausage size. Get it, gurl!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

5 Best Gifs From Tyra's Crazy Dream Sequence


Survivor Episode 1 Gif Party


 
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