Monday, June 27, 2011

Basketball Wives' Jennifer Williams Files for Divorce

According to TMZ, Basketball Wives' Jennifer Williams has finally decided to end her four-year marriage to former NBA player Eric Williams. After seasons and seasons of talking about how little she cared for her husband, she's finally decided to make it legal. Let's all celebrate with a mimosa!

And thank god. I don't think I could have taken much more of her milking a dead relationship for the sake of a little-watched cable TV reality show. I mean, I know I shouldn't care about these people, but will someone think of the children? Wait, they don't have any children? Well, be careful now y'all. He might just throw you under the bus(t).

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Challenge: Rivals Gif Party!

Before we celebrate another amazing episode of The Challenge, here are some of the best moments of episode one. Yay!!!

Week 2 Points

This week's point breakdown:

The Bachelorette:

J.P.: 50
Ryan P.: 50
Constantine: 50

Ashley decided that having the guys beat the crap out of each other in a Muay Thai fighting ring would be the most romantic way of finding which one of these suckers she would string along while she desperately fantasizes about Bentley. Because of this all of our Bachelors garnered major points. Fifty each for both engaging in a physical fight and winning (that pussy Ames got his giant head clocked) for Ryan P., Constantine and J.P.

Basketball Wives:

Evelyn: 25
Royce: 0
Tami: 5

Evelyn continued her reign as both the hottest lady on the show AND the best draft choice. She garnered 5 points for crying over her unfathomably pretty daughter graduating from high school and 20 for mentioning her show referencing (and namesake of Poyer's team) T-shirt line, You Are a Non F'n Factor B!tch.  Tami continued to disappoint with a measly 5 points for a verbal argument.

The Challenge: 

Paula: 35
Kenny: 0
Wes: 0
Laurel: 0
CT: 0
Mandi: 5
Leroy: 0
Jasmine: 25
Jenn: 5
Ev: 35
Tyler: 0
Johnny: 0
Adam: 155

The majority of our points came from The Challenge, making us feel much better about drafting most of our players from this pool. Adam proved to be a fantastic final-round pick, going out in a blaze of glory, just like he did on The Real World. Without exhibiting any obvious signs of intoxication (how is that even possible?!) he managed to pick a fight with Ty (a pretty forgivable pick, if you ask me), gaining points for verbally fighting (5), physically fighting (25), being reprimanded by production (25) and getting kicked out of the whole shebang (100). Both Paula and Ev found themselves in the elimination round and fought their way back into the game getting 10 points for the win and 25 for making T.J. say "You killed it." Speaking of, having survived a hellacious accident, the man with no personality who you find yourself wanting to hang out with most, made his triumphant return to the show and Jenn cried. Five points. Mandi got a little drunk, getting 5 points from the Commish. Jasmine got WAY drunker, getting a whopping 20 points. You do have to be pretty wasted to hook up with Tyree (5 points). As a person who once took a class with the guy he is NOT the kind of person one actively pursues when there are camera around, unless you've had a few shots.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Bachelor Pad Cast Revealed!

Later in the season Poyer and I will be drafting players from Bachelor Pad. From the looks of the recently revealed partial cast list, it's going to be a doozy of a season. So, who do we have?

Gia Allemand: 
This chick is a returning cast member from the inaugural season of this train wreck of a show. Last season she all but fell in love with Wes (the bad-boy singing cowboy from Jillian's season), and it was pretty awkward to watch her cripplingly poor self-esteem be set on display for all the world to see. Her coquettish charm (read: sluttiness) and instability could make for some pretty good TV--and will probably garner a couple points.

What to Look For: Rumor has it that the reason she and love-of-her-life Wes called things off after the show was another woman--none other than The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love winner(?) Vienna Guirardi. Yep, the girl who Bachelor Jake chose over Gia. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, eh Gia? Oh, yeah. Vienna's on Bachelor Pad, too.

Holly Durst:

OK, stay with me on this one because shit is about to get convoluted. Holly (former contestant on The Bachelor: London Calling) recently called off her engagement to Michael Stagliano (contestant on Jillian's season of The Bachelorette). Apparently she realized that she didn't want to get married--probably because of the creepy nature of her nuptials (the pair were planning a double-wedding with Michael's twin brother and former Bachelorette and Brad Womack original cast-off, DeAnna Pappas). Alas, she realized the error of her ways and wanted Michael back but noooooooooo, he didn't trust her anymore!!!! Oh, the trials of young love.

What to Look For: Plenty of slutty revenge slut sex! Nothing says, "I didn't want to participate in your double-twin-wedding anyway" like hooking up with some other dude in the bed next to your former fiancé.

Justin "Rated-R" Rego:

Perhaps the most talked-about person on the Ali Fedotowsky Bachelorette season, this dude came on to the show with not one, but TWO girlfriends back home. Well, when Girlfriend 1 found out about Girlfriend 2, she went ahead and let Ali in on the little secret. And what did Rated-R (this guy's fake-wrestling alter ego) do when faced with the truth? He ran away. And by that, I mean that he limped away, on crutches, with a cast, up a water and rock feature at the Eastern European hotel the cast was staying in at the time. The best part about the scene? The audio feedback of Rated-R's pathetic voicemails to his girl back home as he crutched away into the distance.

What to Look For: The kind of creepy ladies man charm that works for The Situation and guys with barbed wire tattoos all over the country. This dudes also a pretty decent liar and is a fake athlete, so there's that. But the secret weapon? A Canadian accent that cannot possibly be taken seriously.

Graham Bunn:

This guy's last name makes me want to carb load. His abs make me never want to eat again. Full disclosure: I did not watch his season, but I have googled him for over five minutes now and I can tell you that he broke Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas' heart and that some women find him attractive. His body is sick, but his face has an unsettling simian element, like Ben Stiller but less of a millionaire. Also, according to, he played professional basketball in Germany and enjoys taking awful modeling photos with random skanks.

What to Look For: Graham's apparently a pretty gifted athlete, so he should be good at the challenges. More importantly though, women find him attractive, which is basically the only attribute you need to create an alliance in the Bachelor Pad house.

Vienna Girardi:

The controversial winner(?) of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love will forever be be etched in my mind, ugly-crying and accusing Jake Pavelka of being a liar on the world's most awkward and awesome breakup special. So, love didn't quite work out for Vienna on her season, but she did prove herself to be the kind of anti-women solidarity representative that managed to get an entire house full of females to hate her.

What to Look For: Well, good ole' Jakey's in the Pad this year, so we can only hope for a repeat of their last fight. And, as mentioned above, she'll probably butt heads with Gia, since she supposedly stole her man. But perhaps most importantly, she's dating Casey "Kermit the Frog" Kahl, and GOD will that be awkward!

Kasey Kahl:

For those of you who paid any attention to my commentary on Ali Fedotowsky's Bachelorette season, I love this dude. I mean, not in a "I think he's emotionally stable and seems fun to hang out with" way. Mostly in a "this guy sounds like an underwater cartoon character and got a tattoo for a girl on a whim, only to be left on the side of a Swiss mountain by said girl" kind of way. Yesssssssssssss.

What to Look For: One can only expect that smug-ball-of-homosexual-pompousness Jake Pavelka will follow producer's orders and mess with Vienna. At this point, we can all rest assured that Kasey with "protect and guard her heart" and raise his little froggy voice. It will the television gold.

Alli Travis:

Who? How a person managed to be more boring than human cardboard cut-out Brad Womack, I don't know. Her calling card seems to have been admitting on national television that some dude once dumped her for having an ass that was too fat.

What to Look For: Based completely on a gut-feeling and a lifetime of judging girls, I'm going to go ahead and say that this chick's crazy eyes belie a legitimate mental illness. I, for one, am very excited to watch her unravel. *Bonus huge tits points.

Michael Stagliano:

The other half of the recently broken-up engaged couple in the house, Michael is most well-known amongst Bachelorverse fans for being a genuinely likable contestant--a rarity in this universe. He also has a bit of a creep factor, simply because his identical twin bro is engaged to former Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas. Did I mention earlier that his recently called-off wedding was set to be a double wedding with that twin bro. That shit is creepy.

What to Look For: You know what's worse than a breakup? A breakup that includes an engagement ring. You know what's worse than that? Immediately after that breakup, agreeing to go on national television to live in a house where the rules of rental include hooking up with random people and double-crossing anyone in your path. And having your ex-fiancée as one of your roommates. Welp, this guy might get you a lot of points.

Erica Rose:

Despite a last name that might portend Bachelor victory, Erica didn't get her prince on the Lorenzo Borghese season--not even when she came equipped with her own collection of tiaras. But the real trick up this girl's sleeve is that she's a reality show whore! Having appeared on the VH1 masterpiece You're Cut Off--a program that I am intimately acquainted with--she's proven herself to be quite an expert at drama.

What to Look For: Plenty of baby voice, lots and lots of extensions and the dull-eyed stare produced in a completely manufactured dramatic setting that can only be replicated by Paris Hilton herself. Also, she seems to be pals with Vienna and Kermit the Frog (of course she is!), so there's an alliance full of strategic powerhouses.

Jake Pavelka:

Oh, Jake. Where do I even begin. Jake was the Bachelor on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, so named because he used to be a pilot by profession and also because Jeffrey Osborne made a deal with the devil in 2010 that paid off in perpetuity on a middling reality dating show franchise. He charmed America with his Ken doll smile and John Travolta pilot hat, but when the chips fell he was left with house-hated minx Vienna. After a courtship that lasted just long enough for him to do really poorly on Dancing With the Stars, the pair had the best breakup ever to be aired on television in the history of everdom. While arguing about which of the fame-seeking soul-sucks sold out to the tabloids first, Vienna broke down into ugly-crier tears and Jake proved to be the world's most smug human being. America broke up with him, too, after seeing that display--but now he's back for more.

What to Look For: Well, Vienna and her new squeeze, Kermit to Frog, are in the house, so I'm sure there will be a showdown at some point. And since Kermit is all about protecting and guarding hearts, expect a verbal spat on par with a 3 a.m. sorority girl bar argument. Also, this dude's gayer than a Drag Race tuck session. The showmance that will surely result from him defending Vienna's enemy, Gia, will be awesomely awkward.

Ella Nolan: 

 Oh, look! It's another contestant who recently broke off her engagement! What a healthy environment in which to recoup your emotions and reassess your life! Ella's a single mom who was unlucky in love on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love AND in my heart, as I don't remember who this chick is at all.

What to Look For: If there's one thing I know about the vapid air-wasters that populate the Bachelor Pad house, it's that they don't take kindly to aging. At 31 (Really? Are we buying that age? Because I don't think that the house will.) Ella may already be over-the-hill. Sorry, lady. I think your time in the Bachelor Pad will be short-lived.

Jackie Gordon:

Best remembered for having it out for Michelle Money when the foxy makeup artist lasted longer than this girl-next-door, she may be just the right blend of sweet and sassy to make it far in the game. Or she may fall flat on her face and be forgotten by viewers in the first week.

What to Look For: Michelle Money (also a cast member) is not the kind of girl you just start liking one day, and Jackie doesn't seem like the type to let go of a grudge. Expect for alliance lines to be drawn on either side of these two.

Michelle Money:

Well, speak of the devil--or so the rest of the girls on Brad Womack's season of The Bachelor would call this too-hot-to-handle hairstylist/single mom. You may recall her as the hottest thing in the house, which made the other girls hate her. That may have also had something to do with the fact that she's totally insane. Never one to let the natural beauty she was gifted with go to waste, she will surely hook her venomous claws into at least one dude in the house and try to ride a love alliance to the end.

What to Look For: Well, there's absolutely no doubt that there will be some hooking up in the house with this woman around. And I highly doubt that females have gotten any less catty since the last time that I checked up on them, so I'm sure that she's going to piss off more than a few of them. But I'm hoping that the highlight of her season will once again be a mysterious black eye that she suddenly wakes up with and cannot explain at all.

Kirk Dewindt:

Having watched the entire Ali Fedotowski season of The Bachelorette, I can tell you that I remember a few things about this guy. 1. He's a ginger, so he's always on the verge of being hot but far to unsettling and shifty to be trusted. 2. The house that he lived in with his buddies in college had mold in it. The "health problems" experienced by personal trainer Kirk from said mold made for the most ridiculous sob story I have ever seen on any reality show. Ever. 3. The only thing that matters about this guy is the fact that on his at-home date with Ali, his creepy-as-hell stepfather took his potential fianceé into the basement and showed her his ultra unsettling collection of taxidermy. So, when you think Kirk, think dead animals.

What to Look For: Kirk has the sort of bro charm that I thought might make him the next Bachelor. I don't know why, but idiotic humor, a decent pair of pecs and a fleece parka never fail to make the types of ladies who go on these shows swoon. So, I think that he'll get it in with somebody. Also, he's friends with Kermit the Frog, so that's shaping up to be a pretty large alliance.

Melissa Schreiber:

Everything about this lady is sad. She's a 32-year-old waitress. She was called a cougar by her housemates... and she's only 32. She got into an argument over nothing with a fellow potential Brad Womack wife that was so large she got both of them sent home. She lives in Boca Raton, where only East Coast elderly transportees reside. Her face. Oh, god she's sad.

What to Look For: Since we've established that she's crazy pants, we can only hope that more of that will be happening. I'm pushing for an alliance to need one more voting member, thus forcing them to keep her around despite the strong pull to remove this amount of cuckoo from their lives.

William Holman:

Having just been booted from the current season of The Bachelotette, William proved himself to be a douche-bag of the highest degree. First, he delivered a rousing comedic routine in which he delivered punch lines like, "We all thought we were going to get Emily or Chantal, and then we got Ashley. What the f**k?" He also made stuff up about another contestant in order to try and make sure that he was the one getting the rose. It didn't work.

What to Look For: Although attractive in a knockoff-Josh-Lucas kind of way, he's also a pompous a-hole who thinks that he's more charming than he actually is. That said, girls usually go for that kind of thing, so we'll see how it goes.

Stay tuned for the announcement of two more cast members from the current season of The Bachelorette!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

First Week Point Totals

Here's how I scored the week.


J.P. -20
Ryan P -25
Constantine 0

Nothing like screaming "Open mouth kiss her, you pussy!" at my TV to really show how great of a person you are. That got him 5 points. Unfortunately, Ryan P. and J.P. volunteered at an orphanage, giving up 25 points each.

Basketball Wives:

Royce  80
Evelyn  60
Tami  0

Nothing like a 60 point-per-participant fight to catapult one to the lead. I scored them each the same 5 for verbal fighting, 5 for a drink in the face, 25 for physical fighting, and 25 for being restrained. Roycew got another 5 for flashing her panties and a whopping 20 for plugging her book, As well as Evelyn getting an extra 10 points for requesting to be assaulted! Blockbuster week!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Player Profile: Paula Walnuts

You know she's got to be something special if I made her my first pick. Paula "Walnuts" Meronek has a long history on the Challenges. Having exploded onto our screens as the anorexic and borderline-alcoholic petite blonde on The Real World: Key West, Paula has gone on to get healthy, get massive breast implants and get really, really paranoid on lots of Challenges. I want to preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I really like Paula. She seems sweet and kind and fun to be around, even though she still won't accept my friend request on Facebook. Plus, there's that one time she sold a story about bartending for Lady Gaga and her ex-BF (that guy's from Nebraska! We have so many connections, Paula!). But this chick is probably the most emotionally unstable person on any of these shows. She cries at the drop of the hat. She's a blubbering baby of a drunk. She gets naked all the time. She makes out with anyone who will have her. She's basically a walking time bomb--and she was my first pick.

Paula's Challenge History:

The Duel: Paula was voted into the Duel in the fourth week and pitted against Aneesa who is neither athletic nor strategically gifted, but who has the particular talent of weighing 40 pounds more than all of the other girls on the show. She easily wrestled the stick out of Paula's hands (a very complicated challenge for the producers to come up with) and she went home.
Paula, crying after losing her duel.

Famous For: Getting whipped around like a rag doll in the Duel that she got sent home from.

The Inferno III: This was the season in which producers set up a Good Guys vs. Bad Asses situation and, somehow, Danny from Austin ended up being bad. Paula got a rematch with Aneesa and picked a challenge where weight didn't matter! She also won one individual challenge and  managed to make it to the very end--and lose in the final challenge.
Paula, crying after her teammates discover they're being double-crossed.

Famous For: Being the first time that Paula almost won it all.

The Island: Gosh, remember The Island? Everyone was starving and pissed off and there were all of these awkward Army: Be All You Can Be tie-ins. Paula had a solid alliance in this one, controlling the game through strategy and game play--not to mention a good degree of sacrifice on her own part. Paula makes it to the very end (again) and loses after being passed up for getting picked in the final challenge by the very alliance she helped get to the end.
Paula, crying in the empty treasure chest that housed the prize her friends stole away from her.

Famous For: Being the season that Paula got royally screwed. All season long Paula was paranoid and emotional, worried about her team's treatment of the seemingly indomitable Ev. But she was a good soldier and powered through... until the very end when she realized that her alliance had made a deal with Ev to put her on their team in the final challenge and Paula was left to row a boat across the ocean with Jenn, Robin and Ryan. I will never be able to get the image of a sobbing Paula realizing that her best friends just double-crossed her out of my head.

The Duel II: Paula left in the middle of the competition this time. Having aligned herself with Evan and his cronies, she evidently pissed him off when she chose Dunbar against his wishes and was, once again, crushed by Aneesa in a one-on-one challenge where weight mattered.
Paula, crying because Dunbar hooked up with Kim.

Famous For: Being the season where Paula allegedly hooked up with Dunbar, saved Dunbar, got mad at Dunbar for hooking up with Kim and devolved into a giant, weeping, emotional mess. Same as always, just this time over Dunbar.

Fresh Meat II: Paula was put into exile early on in this season and actually put up a pretty valiant fight before being defeated by Ev.
Paula, crying after being defeated by Ev.

Famous For: Not much. Paula's partner blew (and he started having a relationship with Mandi, which is a big no-no for Paula, who does not like to see boys who are close to her get any) and she got put into the exile so early that we can barely remember her being on the show. Still, nearly defeating Ev is a pretty big deal.

Cutthroat: I know what will liven up these challenges! Let's send them all to a desolate mansion in Eastern Europe! God, this was a weird one. Paula, once again, made it all the way to the very end--and then got eliminated before the final challenge, by DQ nonetheless.

Paula, crying after her team threw her into the final gulag. 

Famous For: Being the time that Paula aligned herself with a married couple and got screwed over by it. Man, Brad and Tori are just the worst. Who continues to do this shit after they're married?

So, what's the cherry-on-the-sundae evidence I had for choosing Walnuts?

Well, there was the time that she got arrested for assault. Except, this wasn't just any kind of assault. After not being allowed into a home that she shared with her victim, she proceeded to bite him, leaving "more than five bite marks." Awesome.

Helen's Draft: Well, They're All Trainwrecks But How Many Casualties Will They Provide?

Round 1: I was gifted (cursed?) with the very first pick of the draft. Here's the thing: I get nervous about meeting new janitorial staff in our office. This super important draft pic was a lot for me. I needed a player who could potentially get me points in all of the categories. I chose Paula Walnuts from The Challenge. She's typically emotionally unstable, willing to hook up and gets far in competitions.

Round 2: Poyer chose Kenny Stantucci. Kenny Stantucci would be so proud. I decide to counter by choosing his partner, Wes Bergman, thus canceling out challenge points and (hopefully) getting some fight and hookup points.

Round 3: After Poyer chose Evelyn Lozada, who was my first Basketball Wives choice, I'm pretty bummed out. She's almost as dramatic as her fiancé, Ochocinco. I counter with The Bachelorette's Constantine. Even though I think he looks like the bastard child of Josh Groban and a foot, Ashley seems to like him.

Round 4: Poyer picked up Michael Lohan and now I can't stop picturing him in that mesh shirt. Thanks, Poyer. For obvious reasons I go back to The Challenge and grab CT. The guy is most likely criminally insane. I'm convinced that he's the victim of one of those government experiments where they injected him with something making him into a super soldier. It scares me.

Round 5: Poyer took Laurel. I cry. He thinks she's a mega-bitch. I think we'd be friends. I fight back by snatching up Tami from Basketball Wives. With her reality show pedigree and short fuse I'm sure she'll get me some points.

Round 6: Poyer got Bai Ling. kthxbailing. I'm going for loving-up-on points here. Mandi from The Challenge is young and blonde and loooooooooves boys. Sometimes girls, too! And she tends to get far in challenges. Points! Points! Points!

Round 7: Poyer chose The Bachelorette's J.P. This is the first in a long string of players I wanted that he chooses right before me. I am raging. I choose Sean Young, as she is legit cuckoo and will probably crack under the pressure of Dr. Drew and the cameras.

Round 8: After Poyer picks Basketball Wives' Royce I take The Challenge's Jasmine. Previews show her breaking down, she has a real reason to hate her partner and she has god-awful self-esteem. Get me some points, girl.

 Round 9: If I were picking a Life Team, I would have chosen Leroy first round. Instead, Poyer got him in a somewhat ballsy move. I took Steven Adler. I feel guilty about this decision. I am surely going to hell.

Round 10: So, Poyer takes Jenn. We both have crushes on her, so at least we'll get to post lots of pretty pictures. I pick Tyler from The Challenge. I know I'm going Challenge-heavy but I just know them better. I chose him for his sassiness and ability to man-cry.

 Round 11: Poyer picks Ev and I really regret not picking Ev. This is the last time that I'll accept Poyer taking my next pick so I choose Johnny Bananas before he can get him. Dear, sweet, chubby Bananas. Poyer takes Ryan Park after me. Ugh. Maybe I should have done more Bachelorette?

Round 12: With my last pick I go out on a limb and choose Sugar from Celebrity Rehab. That was probably really dumb. Hoping she comes out of nowhere and pays off. Dr. Drew usually cries at the girls' stories. I really should have chosen Adam from The Challlenge. Poyer chooses Adam next. Boo!

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