Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Bachelor Pad Cast Revealed!

Later in the season Poyer and I will be drafting players from Bachelor Pad. From the looks of the recently revealed partial cast list, it's going to be a doozy of a season. So, who do we have?

Gia Allemand: 
This chick is a returning cast member from the inaugural season of this train wreck of a show. Last season she all but fell in love with Wes (the bad-boy singing cowboy from Jillian's season), and it was pretty awkward to watch her cripplingly poor self-esteem be set on display for all the world to see. Her coquettish charm (read: sluttiness) and instability could make for some pretty good TV--and will probably garner a couple points.

What to Look For: Rumor has it that the reason she and love-of-her-life Wes called things off after the show was another woman--none other than The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love winner(?) Vienna Guirardi. Yep, the girl who Bachelor Jake chose over Gia. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, eh Gia? Oh, yeah. Vienna's on Bachelor Pad, too.

Holly Durst:

OK, stay with me on this one because shit is about to get convoluted. Holly (former contestant on The Bachelor: London Calling) recently called off her engagement to Michael Stagliano (contestant on Jillian's season of The Bachelorette). Apparently she realized that she didn't want to get married--probably because of the creepy nature of her nuptials (the pair were planning a double-wedding with Michael's twin brother and former Bachelorette and Brad Womack original cast-off, DeAnna Pappas). Alas, she realized the error of her ways and wanted Michael back but noooooooooo, he didn't trust her anymore!!!! Oh, the trials of young love.

What to Look For: Plenty of slutty revenge slut sex! Nothing says, "I didn't want to participate in your double-twin-wedding anyway" like hooking up with some other dude in the bed next to your former fiancé.

Justin "Rated-R" Rego:

Perhaps the most talked-about person on the Ali Fedotowsky Bachelorette season, this dude came on to the show with not one, but TWO girlfriends back home. Well, when Girlfriend 1 found out about Girlfriend 2, she went ahead and let Ali in on the little secret. And what did Rated-R (this guy's fake-wrestling alter ego) do when faced with the truth? He ran away. And by that, I mean that he limped away, on crutches, with a cast, up a water and rock feature at the Eastern European hotel the cast was staying in at the time. The best part about the scene? The audio feedback of Rated-R's pathetic voicemails to his girl back home as he crutched away into the distance.

What to Look For: The kind of creepy ladies man charm that works for The Situation and guys with barbed wire tattoos all over the country. This dudes also a pretty decent liar and is a fake athlete, so there's that. But the secret weapon? A Canadian accent that cannot possibly be taken seriously.

Graham Bunn:

This guy's last name makes me want to carb load. His abs make me never want to eat again. Full disclosure: I did not watch his season, but I have googled him for over five minutes now and I can tell you that he broke Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas' heart and that some women find him attractive. His body is sick, but his face has an unsettling simian element, like Ben Stiller but less of a millionaire. Also, according to Grahambunn.com, he played professional basketball in Germany and enjoys taking awful modeling photos with random skanks.

What to Look For: Graham's apparently a pretty gifted athlete, so he should be good at the challenges. More importantly though, women find him attractive, which is basically the only attribute you need to create an alliance in the Bachelor Pad house.

Vienna Girardi:

The controversial winner(?) of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love will forever be be etched in my mind, ugly-crying and accusing Jake Pavelka of being a liar on the world's most awkward and awesome breakup special. So, love didn't quite work out for Vienna on her season, but she did prove herself to be the kind of anti-women solidarity representative that managed to get an entire house full of females to hate her.

What to Look For: Well, good ole' Jakey's in the Pad this year, so we can only hope for a repeat of their last fight. And, as mentioned above, she'll probably butt heads with Gia, since she supposedly stole her man. But perhaps most importantly, she's dating Casey "Kermit the Frog" Kahl, and GOD will that be awkward!

Kasey Kahl:

For those of you who paid any attention to my commentary on Ali Fedotowsky's Bachelorette season, I love this dude. I mean, not in a "I think he's emotionally stable and seems fun to hang out with" way. Mostly in a "this guy sounds like an underwater cartoon character and got a tattoo for a girl on a whim, only to be left on the side of a Swiss mountain by said girl" kind of way. Yesssssssssssss.

What to Look For: One can only expect that smug-ball-of-homosexual-pompousness Jake Pavelka will follow producer's orders and mess with Vienna. At this point, we can all rest assured that Kasey with "protect and guard her heart" and raise his little froggy voice. It will the television gold.

Alli Travis:

Who? How a person managed to be more boring than human cardboard cut-out Brad Womack, I don't know. Her calling card seems to have been admitting on national television that some dude once dumped her for having an ass that was too fat.

What to Look For: Based completely on a gut-feeling and a lifetime of judging girls, I'm going to go ahead and say that this chick's crazy eyes belie a legitimate mental illness. I, for one, am very excited to watch her unravel. *Bonus huge tits points.

Michael Stagliano:

The other half of the recently broken-up engaged couple in the house, Michael is most well-known amongst Bachelorverse fans for being a genuinely likable contestant--a rarity in this universe. He also has a bit of a creep factor, simply because his identical twin bro is engaged to former Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas. Did I mention earlier that his recently called-off wedding was set to be a double wedding with that twin bro. That shit is creepy.

What to Look For: You know what's worse than a breakup? A breakup that includes an engagement ring. You know what's worse than that? Immediately after that breakup, agreeing to go on national television to live in a house where the rules of rental include hooking up with random people and double-crossing anyone in your path. And having your ex-fiancée as one of your roommates. Welp, this guy might get you a lot of points.

Erica Rose:

Despite a last name that might portend Bachelor victory, Erica didn't get her prince on the Lorenzo Borghese season--not even when she came equipped with her own collection of tiaras. But the real trick up this girl's sleeve is that she's a reality show whore! Having appeared on the VH1 masterpiece You're Cut Off--a program that I am intimately acquainted with--she's proven herself to be quite an expert at drama.

What to Look For: Plenty of baby voice, lots and lots of extensions and the dull-eyed stare produced in a completely manufactured dramatic setting that can only be replicated by Paris Hilton herself. Also, she seems to be pals with Vienna and Kermit the Frog (of course she is!), so there's an alliance full of strategic powerhouses.

Jake Pavelka:

Oh, Jake. Where do I even begin. Jake was the Bachelor on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, so named because he used to be a pilot by profession and also because Jeffrey Osborne made a deal with the devil in 2010 that paid off in perpetuity on a middling reality dating show franchise. He charmed America with his Ken doll smile and John Travolta pilot hat, but when the chips fell he was left with house-hated minx Vienna. After a courtship that lasted just long enough for him to do really poorly on Dancing With the Stars, the pair had the best breakup ever to be aired on television in the history of everdom. While arguing about which of the fame-seeking soul-sucks sold out to the tabloids first, Vienna broke down into ugly-crier tears and Jake proved to be the world's most smug human being. America broke up with him, too, after seeing that display--but now he's back for more.

What to Look For: Well, Vienna and her new squeeze, Kermit to Frog, are in the house, so I'm sure there will be a showdown at some point. And since Kermit is all about protecting and guarding hearts, expect a verbal spat on par with a 3 a.m. sorority girl bar argument. Also, this dude's gayer than a Drag Race tuck session. The showmance that will surely result from him defending Vienna's enemy, Gia, will be awesomely awkward.

Ella Nolan: 

 Oh, look! It's another contestant who recently broke off her engagement! What a healthy environment in which to recoup your emotions and reassess your life! Ella's a single mom who was unlucky in love on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love AND in my heart, as I don't remember who this chick is at all.

What to Look For: If there's one thing I know about the vapid air-wasters that populate the Bachelor Pad house, it's that they don't take kindly to aging. At 31 (Really? Are we buying that age? Because I don't think that the house will.) Ella may already be over-the-hill. Sorry, lady. I think your time in the Bachelor Pad will be short-lived.

Jackie Gordon:

Best remembered for having it out for Michelle Money when the foxy makeup artist lasted longer than this girl-next-door, she may be just the right blend of sweet and sassy to make it far in the game. Or she may fall flat on her face and be forgotten by viewers in the first week.

What to Look For: Michelle Money (also a cast member) is not the kind of girl you just start liking one day, and Jackie doesn't seem like the type to let go of a grudge. Expect for alliance lines to be drawn on either side of these two.

Michelle Money:

Well, speak of the devil--or so the rest of the girls on Brad Womack's season of The Bachelor would call this too-hot-to-handle hairstylist/single mom. You may recall her as the hottest thing in the house, which made the other girls hate her. That may have also had something to do with the fact that she's totally insane. Never one to let the natural beauty she was gifted with go to waste, she will surely hook her venomous claws into at least one dude in the house and try to ride a love alliance to the end.

What to Look For: Well, there's absolutely no doubt that there will be some hooking up in the house with this woman around. And I highly doubt that females have gotten any less catty since the last time that I checked up on them, so I'm sure that she's going to piss off more than a few of them. But I'm hoping that the highlight of her season will once again be a mysterious black eye that she suddenly wakes up with and cannot explain at all.

Kirk Dewindt:

Having watched the entire Ali Fedotowski season of The Bachelorette, I can tell you that I remember a few things about this guy. 1. He's a ginger, so he's always on the verge of being hot but far to unsettling and shifty to be trusted. 2. The house that he lived in with his buddies in college had mold in it. The "health problems" experienced by personal trainer Kirk from said mold made for the most ridiculous sob story I have ever seen on any reality show. Ever. 3. The only thing that matters about this guy is the fact that on his at-home date with Ali, his creepy-as-hell stepfather took his potential fianceé into the basement and showed her his ultra unsettling collection of taxidermy. So, when you think Kirk, think dead animals.

What to Look For: Kirk has the sort of bro charm that I thought might make him the next Bachelor. I don't know why, but idiotic humor, a decent pair of pecs and a fleece parka never fail to make the types of ladies who go on these shows swoon. So, I think that he'll get it in with somebody. Also, he's friends with Kermit the Frog, so that's shaping up to be a pretty large alliance.

Melissa Schreiber:

Everything about this lady is sad. She's a 32-year-old waitress. She was called a cougar by her housemates... and she's only 32. She got into an argument over nothing with a fellow potential Brad Womack wife that was so large she got both of them sent home. She lives in Boca Raton, where only East Coast elderly transportees reside. Her face. Oh, god she's sad.

What to Look For: Since we've established that she's crazy pants, we can only hope that more of that will be happening. I'm pushing for an alliance to need one more voting member, thus forcing them to keep her around despite the strong pull to remove this amount of cuckoo from their lives.

William Holman:

Having just been booted from the current season of The Bachelotette, William proved himself to be a douche-bag of the highest degree. First, he delivered a rousing comedic routine in which he delivered punch lines like, "We all thought we were going to get Emily or Chantal, and then we got Ashley. What the f**k?" He also made stuff up about another contestant in order to try and make sure that he was the one getting the rose. It didn't work.

What to Look For: Although attractive in a knockoff-Josh-Lucas kind of way, he's also a pompous a-hole who thinks that he's more charming than he actually is. That said, girls usually go for that kind of thing, so we'll see how it goes.

Stay tuned for the announcement of two more cast members from the current season of The Bachelorette!


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