Monday, June 13, 2011

Player Profile: Paula Walnuts

You know she's got to be something special if I made her my first pick. Paula "Walnuts" Meronek has a long history on the Challenges. Having exploded onto our screens as the anorexic and borderline-alcoholic petite blonde on The Real World: Key West, Paula has gone on to get healthy, get massive breast implants and get really, really paranoid on lots of Challenges. I want to preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I really like Paula. She seems sweet and kind and fun to be around, even though she still won't accept my friend request on Facebook. Plus, there's that one time she sold a story about bartending for Lady Gaga and her ex-BF (that guy's from Nebraska! We have so many connections, Paula!). But this chick is probably the most emotionally unstable person on any of these shows. She cries at the drop of the hat. She's a blubbering baby of a drunk. She gets naked all the time. She makes out with anyone who will have her. She's basically a walking time bomb--and she was my first pick.

Paula's Challenge History:

The Duel: Paula was voted into the Duel in the fourth week and pitted against Aneesa who is neither athletic nor strategically gifted, but who has the particular talent of weighing 40 pounds more than all of the other girls on the show. She easily wrestled the stick out of Paula's hands (a very complicated challenge for the producers to come up with) and she went home.
Paula, crying after losing her duel.

Famous For: Getting whipped around like a rag doll in the Duel that she got sent home from.

The Inferno III: This was the season in which producers set up a Good Guys vs. Bad Asses situation and, somehow, Danny from Austin ended up being bad. Paula got a rematch with Aneesa and picked a challenge where weight didn't matter! She also won one individual challenge and  managed to make it to the very end--and lose in the final challenge.
Paula, crying after her teammates discover they're being double-crossed.

Famous For: Being the first time that Paula almost won it all.

The Island: Gosh, remember The Island? Everyone was starving and pissed off and there were all of these awkward Army: Be All You Can Be tie-ins. Paula had a solid alliance in this one, controlling the game through strategy and game play--not to mention a good degree of sacrifice on her own part. Paula makes it to the very end (again) and loses after being passed up for getting picked in the final challenge by the very alliance she helped get to the end.
Paula, crying in the empty treasure chest that housed the prize her friends stole away from her.

Famous For: Being the season that Paula got royally screwed. All season long Paula was paranoid and emotional, worried about her team's treatment of the seemingly indomitable Ev. But she was a good soldier and powered through... until the very end when she realized that her alliance had made a deal with Ev to put her on their team in the final challenge and Paula was left to row a boat across the ocean with Jenn, Robin and Ryan. I will never be able to get the image of a sobbing Paula realizing that her best friends just double-crossed her out of my head.

The Duel II: Paula left in the middle of the competition this time. Having aligned herself with Evan and his cronies, she evidently pissed him off when she chose Dunbar against his wishes and was, once again, crushed by Aneesa in a one-on-one challenge where weight mattered.
Paula, crying because Dunbar hooked up with Kim.

Famous For: Being the season where Paula allegedly hooked up with Dunbar, saved Dunbar, got mad at Dunbar for hooking up with Kim and devolved into a giant, weeping, emotional mess. Same as always, just this time over Dunbar.

Fresh Meat II: Paula was put into exile early on in this season and actually put up a pretty valiant fight before being defeated by Ev.
Paula, crying after being defeated by Ev.

Famous For: Not much. Paula's partner blew (and he started having a relationship with Mandi, which is a big no-no for Paula, who does not like to see boys who are close to her get any) and she got put into the exile so early that we can barely remember her being on the show. Still, nearly defeating Ev is a pretty big deal.

Cutthroat: I know what will liven up these challenges! Let's send them all to a desolate mansion in Eastern Europe! God, this was a weird one. Paula, once again, made it all the way to the very end--and then got eliminated before the final challenge, by DQ nonetheless.

Paula, crying after her team threw her into the final gulag. 

Famous For: Being the time that Paula aligned herself with a married couple and got screwed over by it. Man, Brad and Tori are just the worst. Who continues to do this shit after they're married?

So, what's the cherry-on-the-sundae evidence I had for choosing Walnuts?

Well, there was the time that she got arrested for assault. Except, this wasn't just any kind of assault. After not being allowed into a home that she shared with her victim, she proceeded to bite him, leaving "more than five bite marks." Awesome.


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