Thursday, September 22, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 2 Recap

Apparently our movie this week is Return to Witch Mountain, starring none other than Kim Richards. The ladies are still in Beaver Creek (tee-hee!) and after a long day of skiing, hitting on random dudes and chocolate chip cookie deliveries, it's time for three personal chefs to whip up a little something for these ladies to not nibble on.

But, as with all of the dinner parties in this franchise, something goes terribly awry. First Kyle stumbles upon Taylor and Kim having a heart-to-heart, apparently one that was sprung upon Kim when she was trying to nap after a long day of the aforementioned flirting and cookies. See, Taylor has had a few cocktails and I don't care how much these ladies hem and haw over how the altitude is affecting her, bitch doesn't eat. You need a good pre-game bowl of pasta to soak up all of that wine, lady. Even amateurs know that. So, it's bad.

She's doing crazy drunk girl things like laying on beds half-naked talking about her childhood, dislocating people's arms to pull them into a room for primping advice, falling into suitcases and simply not getting up, initiating a man-hunt for a makeup bag she's convinced was stolen, and screaming at everyone that she doesn't want to deal with this bullshit. So, basically a normal Friday night for me.

What gets me is that everyone's just like, "OK, woman who probably ought to be locked in a closet until she sobers up, let's just throw some mascara on you and get on with this dinner party." They make her come downstairs and it vascilates between really funny and really sad. They try to get her to eat something and she launches into a Kathleen Turner impression saying "Tuna Teeeeeerrrrrrr Taaaaahhhhhrrrrrr." (funny) And then she straight out tells Lisa that she never eats. (sad) The chefs create the world's most awkward moment by barging into a heated discussion about Taylor's failing marriage and giving one of those long-winded descriptions of the fancy carrot soup they made like you see in Hell's Kitchen. (funny) Taylor collapses into tears as she laments the dissolution of Camille's marriage. (sad) Kim attempts to exorcise Taylor's sad demons by using her napkin like a teenager's beach towel and smacking it at her as she yells "Bam! I'm gonna make magic on her! Bam! She's all better!" (funny) And then, after alluding to Taylor's physical abuse, Lisa asks her whether or not she really thinks that she deserves to be treated better. And sad, sad Taylor simply answers that she doesn't think that she does. (so, so beyond fucking sad)

Thank god the trip ends there and we don't have to remind ourselves of the awful things that have since happened in Taylor's life. The rest of the episode is sort of a wash. Kyle and Mauricio go out to dinner and continue to be the cutest couple on the show, later proving that they also make the world's most adorable children--in this case a Curly Sue who likes to pick up dog shit. (And even that is cute!) Ken and Lisa want to expand their restaurant; I took a nap. Camille once again discusses the end of her marriage while lounging on her palatial estate. The best part of this scene is when her friend blatently highlights Camille's real priorities by saying, "If you took away all the houses and the lifestyle… what do you miss the most?" I died. And Paul and Adrienne squabble some more. God, these two.

We have to wait until the end of the episode for the next good thing to happen. Adrienne and Paul invite Kim on their private jet to view the last Sacramento Kings game. When they get to the airport they call Kimmy dear and the following exchange takes place. It looks like Taylor's not the only one getting Ramotional.

Kim: Hello?
Adrienne: Kiiiiim!
Kim: Yeah.
Adrienne: Hey, it’s Adrienne.
Kim: Who?
Adrienne: Kim?
Kim: Who is this?
Adrienne: It’s Adrienne.
Kim: Who?
Paul: Kim—
Kim: —I don’t have time for this, who is this?—
Paul: It’s Paul and Adrienne.
Kim: ...Oh, my god. Adrienne I’m so sorry.
Adrienne: That’s OK, honey.
Kim: My power went out and I would never do this to you guys, I feel so bad. I’m so excited to go with you guys today. And that’s fine. There’s a prob—. I really feel bad. I’m so excited to go with you guys. I loooooove you guys, and I feel horrible. I just feel terrible. I’m really terrible. And I just feel horrible. But I’m rushing, rushing, rushing. And I’ll be there, literally, like, I’m leaving here in 10 minutes. I’m so sorry.
Adrienne: Kim, it’s OK, honey.
Kim: Cause, you know, it’s a nice airport and I love the planes over there, so, you know… still, it’s not cool and I just…
Adrienne: Oh, it’s alright, seriously. It’s OK.
Kim: Oh, I was ready to throw my hair in a ponytail wet. And then I thought, “No way! In the middle of the Sacramento King guys?!” And then I’m like, you know, “Oh my god, I gotta do something.”

**incoherent mumbling**

Phone call ends.


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