Sunday, September 18, 2011

ANTM Judging Panels

*Each week I will judge the Top Models' panel photos as if I were the Janice Dickinson of this season. Except less drunk. And less plastic surgery witch-looking. I'm not really sure what criteria to use since this season isn't really choosing a top model so much as it is a top personality or a top you'll-get-lots-of-requests-to-host-club-nights-or-guest-star-on-CW-shows. They're having a make your own perfume challenge for God's sake. I mean, Game is a guest judge. At any rate I'll be judging the photos exactly like the ghost of Janice Dickinson would. OK, maybe just as drunk as her.

 Here's Angelea, managing to look more like a broke down rat than usual. Why is her back turned to us? What is that "no, no" finger action. I can only see half your face!

 Look at this motherfucking angelic princess! I mean, she's what? 30? Look at that body! Perfect example of modeling from your fingertips to your toes. Maybe the best photo TBH.

I'm as impressed as anyone that this used to be a man, but this posing is awkward as hell. It looks like something Liz Lemon would do if she was trying to be sexy. Why is her leg up like that? Who is she come hither-ing to? Drek. I. Tude.

This was probably my second favorite photo. And not just because I'm playing Janice Dickinson in these judging sessions and she looks a lot like young, hot, non-surgery Janice. Look at that broken doll leg. Look at the extension in that arm. Sadly, Brittany is gone because no one mentioned her in the live judging crowd. Why, hello America's Next Top F-List Celebrity.

Laura, you are so freaking good at this. Your legs look divine and your smile doesn't even look forced. I can't wait until we get some high fashion shots so you can own everyone while wearing no makeup at all. Work, country girl!

What is going on here? Her shoulders look like she plays on the D-line. This is not the way that models pose. It's the way that Lindsay Lohan poses. All this shot is missing is a rusty knife, some smeared lipstick and and a rando with some vampire teeth.

I've never been the biggest Bianca fan but damn if this isn't a decent shot. I could see this in a generic purse ad but that's it. Just a generic shot in a generic purse ad. That's OK for now but you can't keep playing it safe.

You can't deny those legs but this sexy one-leg-up pose is a little much for high fashion modeling. I would have liked a more masculine, Grace Jones look with just a straight-on look, wide legs, hands on hips. It's OK, Camille. I'll take this AND your 7-head.

Kayla, this is a hot mess. You're already shorter than all the other girls. Why would you scrunch up your body like that? What's up with that phantom right hand? And the other one? A fist? Ugh.

Well, the good new Kayla is that Alexandria did this. Why does she have scary monster fingers? Why is she hunched over like this? And I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but her legs are looking a little thick for a model. I mean, she's hella skinny for a real person. But a model? She would book shit.

Allison, you were born to model and you don't even know it. From those eyes to the purposeful pose, everything is right with this shot. Especially the detail of the pointed left toe.

Sheena, girl, you know I love you. We could rep Harlem all day and I don't even hate your overly fake boobies. But this looks straight hoochie. If they're going to dress you like a 40/40 chicken head please don't pose like a video girl.

What can I say? I don't hate it. I don't love it. It looks like the kind of shot that would come out of the portfolio you got after one of those fake modeling schools. Let's leave that mess to Model Mayhem, OK?

I can't. I mean, I just cannot. Why is she humping that tree? Or is she using it as a pillow? And how does this represent the masculine/feminine dichotomy? I suppose none of that really matters when you give her credit for having a baby 2 MONTHS AGO!!!


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